Almost 9 months later...

So... it's been a very long time since I've posted anything. So long that I'm sure everyone has given up even checking here!

I ended up going to the emergency room not long after my last post, and found that my blood pressure was 246/176. Yes, you can have blood pressure like that and still live. An interesting note. If your blood pressure is that high, they don't ask how you're going to pay the bill, they only ask for your next of kin information.

The first meds that I was on made me incredibly tired. So tired that I couldn't stay awake all day, even after a full night of sleep. And of course, I used being so tired and just generally not feeling well as an excuse to eat crap.

My weight went back up to 267. J and I decided to go back on Atkins, and I weighed myself the day we started for the first time in almost a year. I didn't shoot back up to my highest weight, but I was darned close!

I think my new meds are working better than the last ones, and I'm also on some anti-anxiety meds (I was having anxiety attacks). They seem to have stopped the chest pains I was having. I still need way more sleep than I used to, no more all night sewing binges to meet deadlines... I just can't stay awake all night anymore. I end up falling asleep with my sewing in my lap.

The inability to sew much this past year had a severely negative effect on our finances, and I'm trying to focus on getting that all in order again. It will take a few months, but for now I just keep praying for the motivation to keep sewing as fast as I can!

I'm Still Here!

I can't believe that I haven't posted in a MONTH! No more weight loss, but my efforts haven't been as serious as they should be either. I keep finding excuses to eat off plan! I think that I have the majority of those behind me, but we'll see.

I broke a tooth! I'm in an incredible amount of pain, my sinuses are messed up, I'm having trouble sleeping, and eating anything is very hard. Hopefully this will be resolved very soon so that I can eat correctly again.

A Bad Case of the Crazies...

I have tons of thoughts in my head tonight, so instead of working on the dress that I desperately need to finish, I'm here in front of my keyboard once again.

Why do they call it LOSING weight? I haven't LOST it. That implies a sense of loss, a sense that this is something that I'll be seeking to find again. I know where my fat went. I most certainly know where to find it, and it's something that I fight with every trip to town. It's right there waiting for me at Sonic, at the buffet, at Dairy Queen, at Braums (the best ice cream store Texas just in case you aren't blessed enough to live here and know what it is), and even on every inside aisle at the grocery store. "Town days" are the hardest. I live in a town of less than 500 people and we only have a convenience store. I try to avoid it like the plague, because I know what's inside. The days I go to town to do the grocery thing, the bank run, or to pay some bills are the hardest. Living in the south, there is temptation on every corner. We don't have a lot of variety when it comes to restaurants and what we do have is loaded with bad fats, bad carbs, and sugar. It's easier to just pretend that I really *do* want to cook at home.

Bad dreams last night, and I've been on the verge of tears all day. Finally figured out what is causing it, but I can't do anything immediate about it, so I'll just have to deal with it. I dreamed that someone broke into the house and was going to hurt the little man. I managed to get him into another room, and there was my mom who shot the bad person. I tried to get her to meet the little man and she just faded away. I still have so much sadness that she died right before I got pregnant. She would not have been a stellar grandma to a little boy, but she would have loved him. She hated loud kids, dirt, kids that couldn't sit still... pretty much everything that describes my little guy.

The Daddy man will be 43 in less than 2 weeks, and I'm worried that he's going to die young. I feel so selfish when I worry about this. I don't worry so much about how the little man will cope with it... I really worry about myself and how I will take care of us financially. And worry that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I hate to be alone. So yeah... lots of demons here today.

Weight 238? - Pounds left to lose 88?

This is a guess at best. I have an analog scale, and the notches on the dial are so small that I can't really see it BUT it was below 240 and it wasn't teetering on the edge of the 240 line, so this is what I'm taking it for :)

I am being fiscally responsible and actually paying our bills instead of buying a new scale. Maybe in April, since I have both the Daddy man's and the little man's birthdays in March. Getting Daddy man his hat for his Federal impression (we do Civil War reenacting in case you're a new reader), and the little man is getting a new bike!

I actually have "owed" the little man this bike since last summer, since I bribed him with it, he earned it, but we didn't have the money to come through. Yes, I've been lying to my son for several months now. We told him if he went 7 days without wetting his bed, we would buy him a bike. The catch... for him at least was that he couldn't count yet... so when he came through and didn't ask how many days on THE day, I didn't volunteer the information. We were going to get it for Christmas, but the weather was cold, so his birthday will work. Yes, since I owe him the bike already, I'll try to get him something extra. Probably a T-ball set since he's starting that in a couple of weeks. That way he can get in extra practice with me and the Daddy man.

Weight ? - Pounds left to lose... a lot

So... it's true the scale is broken. Its harder for me to NOT eat off plan when I don't get immediate gratification that what I'm doing is working. I was hoping to buy one this week, but we just found out that T-Ball sign-ups are on Sunday and I really, really WANT that for my son. The scale will have to wait. I am eating on plan though except for 1 kind of planned detour at lunchtime on Sunday. Far from home, in a small town with kind of hit and miss food options and we talked about it and chose to eat off plan.

Onward and DOWNward...

No news is good news?

So... once again my scale has eaten a battery. I went to weigh myself this morning (I weigh daily even though it's only "official" on Monday), and I was faced with the dreaded Lo.

I'll check it in a bit, but if it's still bad I'm not going to put any further money into this scale. I'll save up and buy a new one in a few weeks.

I am absolutely starving today! I'm not sure if it's the weather or if it's due to lack of sleep, but it's everything I can do not to eat an entire package of whole wheat fig newtons. Yes, binging on healthy food is still binging. So far I'm fighting off the urge successfully. Maybe Mexican food (homemade) for dinner will help!

Weight 241.9 - Pounds left to lose 91.9

Not the most stellar weight loss on the planet, but I'll take it! 1.1 pounds in the first weeks of SB is supposed to be pretty good.

I don't know what is up with the Daddy Mann. He GAINED 7 pounds this week. How is that possible? The only thing that I can think of is that he's eating after I go to bed. I know that it's up to him, but it just kills me that I work hard coming up with interesting meals and making sure that his food is on track for the whole entire day and then he's blowing it after I go to sleep. I know he's eating after I go to bed, because he doesn't clean up after himself. I think he's trying to make healthy choices, but he won't let me help educate him on what the correct choices would be.

He liked Atkins better because he knew that if he got hungry he could eat meat. I've been trying to tell him that veggies are a better choice, but for some reason he's just not doing it. I worry about him. I don't want him to die, but I'm really scared that if he doesn't do something about his weight that he'll die young.

I don't like to think about that possibility very much.

I think that I'm going to add a 2nd grain this week so that I can have a sandwich (1/2 WW pita bread) for lunch or a snack in addition to my cereal. I'm going to stick with 1/2 a grapefruit or an apple for my fruit serving for the day.

I had TOM this past week and shot up 3 pounds on Thursday from that (back to 245.5) and was really surprised and pleased to see a new lower number this morning.

I went to a kid's birthday party on Saturday and didn't eat any of the hot dogs, cake or ice cream! I wanted that cake badly, but just reminded myself what the scale said on Thursday and was able to not do it. My son hugged me and told me he was proud of me for not eating any, and that felt better than any cake could have tasted!