Just Another Fat Girl

I Can Eat!

2012-01-26T20:10:00.002-06:00

I went back to the dentist on Monday. I was kind of nervous, because last week's visit wasn't all that I had hoped for. This week, I got the same person who took my initial impressions for my actual dentures. She is incredibly kind and patient, and she is my favorite, because of this. She had to do multiple tries this week to get it right, but she never got impatient or told me that I had to get used to it. She looked at where they were rubbing, and told me she could fix it and that is what she proceeded to do.

After that, I went to the fancy grocery store that they have in Tyler. It's called Fresh and it's owned by a local chain as their one and only upscale store. It's a trial run and if it goes well here, they may expand that branch of their company. They have the most incredible food there. I bought hummus and gluten-free crackers, some rare roast beef, chicken salad, and some sliced turkey. The store is one giant sample-fest. I swear that with little effort you could easily eat your entire lunch there without visiting each sampler more than once. I had a sample of turkey (yay! meat!), steak (that was a little ambitious, but I did it!), a cheese cracker with a schmear of flavored feta, and a bite of bread (just one!) It is amazing being able to chew again. I am forever astounded at the number of things that we take for granted in our lives. Simple things like being able to walk and talk and eat, lose the ability to do any of these things and then re-gain the ability and your life is forever changed.

Last night I ate a chili dog from Sonic. Just the 6 inch. I cut it up and ate it with a fork, but being able to eat meat again is wonderful. I'm giving myself a small break from worrying about what I eat while I continue to learn how to eat and have a small respite eating somethings that I thought I'd never be able to eat again. And don't worry, few of them are carby. Mostly I've missed eating meat and salad, but a taco might find it's way here as well.

One More Try

2012-01-20T18:32:00.003-06:00

It's been a week since I got my teeth. Due to an adjustment that didn't go well on Monday, I still am not wearing my lower teeth. Now fortunately (?) my lower teeth were the to go, so I've had a lot of practice smiling and talking without my lower teeth showing. So as long as I have my top plate in place, no one is the wiser. But this has meant even more time on the equivalent of baby food. I have another appointment for this Monday, and hopefully they will get it adjusted correctly so that I can start learning to eat.

I'm hungry.

It Starts With a One

2012-01-17T14:59:00.001-06:00

After spending the majority of Saturday in my room (I worked for two hours, did my homework, and slept a LOT - I also didn't want to eat or drink in front of anyone until I had a handle on the situation), I was more than ready to get out of the house on Sunday. We wanted to go to the movies. The husband and boy wanted to see War Horse, and I wanted to see Joyful Noise. We decided to eat first, and it took me so long to eat that we missed the start of the movie, so the husband suggested that we go to the outlet mall instead.

There is a new store there that has lots of bling and some really cute clothes in regular and plus sizes, and bonus! adorable little girl clothes too. My husband came and dragged me out of there (I didn't even get to show him the leopard blouse I found), and down the way to Van Heusen. They were having one of their mega sales, with sale prices as much as 80% off and another 30% off on top of that. It's hard to turn down $70 items as low as $15 - $20! I've been shopping there for a couple of years now, and I've been limited to their xxl t-shirts and xxl sweaters. The largest pant size they carry is an 18, and I've resigned myself to not being able to get pants or woven (no stretch) tops there. My husband had dragged me over to see a beautiful plum colored blouse in a size xl. It was a woven top. I didn't think it would fit, but I decided to humor him and try it on. He started handing me other clothes that he liked, and just for laughs I grabbed a pair of trouser jeans in size 18.

They fit. All the clothes fit. Except for the xxl t-shirt and tank top. They were TOO BIG.

Clothes that I tried on. Were. Too. Big.

If you're like me, you've always had to send out for a larger size, never for a smaller size. Now I want to go into every store that I see that carries size 18 to see if it was a fluke.

So It's Done

2012-01-14T18:28:00.000-06:00

Warning. This post is kind of long and most likely will bore everyone. I promise there is nothing remotely graphic in here, but I want to vent, and it's my blog... so I will.

I have dentures now. I've had them for just over 24 hours. I had to be at the dentist at 7:45, so I set my alarm for 4:00, I woke up at 3:30. I got everyone ready, and packed the kid's e-book and Nintendo so that he wouldn't get bored in the waiting room.

We got there an hour early, because I didn't get lost this time, but I allowed enough time just in case I did get lost. I was the second one in the parking lot. When he got out of his car 15 minutes before they opened, so did I. There was no way that I was going to not have a place in line. The guy in front of me didn't have an appointment and had never been there before, so he had to fill out paperwork. That made me first in line.

They had to take impressions of my mouth. That hurt really badly. My teeth were all loose and all sensitive to cold, so that part made me cry. After the molds were done, the dentist came in. He gave me some tissues and told me that it's okay to cry. He said that people make light of this, because it's so common, but it's like losing both your legs as far as the emotional trauma. He also said it wasn't my fault, that there wasn't anything I could have done different, and that made me feel better. I've felt incredible guilt about my teeth ever since I got my first cavity when I was 18.

We had to wait around for an hour while the lab made sure that my impressions were clear enough. Thank goodness, they were. They had already had to do my tops two times, and it took about 8 tries to get an impression of my bite. I've been adjusting my bite for so long to compensate for pain, that it was almost impossible to get me to bite down normally.

Then on to some fun stuff. We went to the mall and my husband and son took me to Build A Bear. At first they were going to take me there for Valentine's, but then my husband said that I needed a new lovey for being brave at the dentist. Yes, sometimes I'm only about 8 years-old. And that's okay. I picked out a new bear. I already have two kitties from there... Tabitha (a kitty), and Emmett (named after Emmett Smith). My new addition is Tinker-Bear. My husband picked out a Tinkerbell outfit (hence the name), and my son picked out silver sandals to go with her outfit.

After that we went to pick up my prescriptions. I got some pain pills, a relaxant for before the procedure, and some antiobiotics. We went to Olive Garden for lunch, because when all you can eat is soup, you want GOOD soup. I took my relaxant halfway through lunch, and by the time we left the restaurant, my husband had to drive. I had the giggles, and Austin was having a good time making me laugh.

I signed in back at the dentist, and they called my name a couple of minutes later. They decided that I didn't need the 2nd relaxant (and told me to keep it in case I wanted it later), and got me settled into a chair. The procedure was not that bad. The dentist was really, really sweet (and very nice to look at), and everytime I so much as blinked he asked if he was hurting me. Halfway through numbing me up, I asked if my teeth were done, and he stopped everything to get them and show them to me. They are pretty. They are really white (but not unnaturally white.) They look like doll's teeth. Or little kid teeth.

I had buck teeth as a kid, so my two front teeth were always big and a little out of proportion to the rest of my teeth. My new teeth are all size-proportionate. Someday I will recognize my smile again. Right now, I cry everytime I practice my smile in the mirror. Part of that could be stiffness though.

I only took one pain pill when the novocaine started to wear off. I've only taken a few Advil since then. I have a bad headache and my neck is a little stiff. My mouth doesn't hurt. It's just stiff due to the swelling. I was looking at my driver's license yesterday while waiting for my prescription, and realized how much thinner my face is compared to just 1 1/2 years ago. Not so today. Today, it's right back up there. But swelling will go away.

So far I'm scared to eat. I've had a yogurt and about 1/2 a cup of mashed potatoes. I've had strawberry sugar-free kool-aid (no carbonation for 24 hours), and 1/2 of a Starbucks mocha (thank you, Austin), and about 1 liter of water. Writing this, makes me realize that I need to make an effort to drink more now that I can feel my face again.

I managed to work for 2 1/2 hours this morning. I do phone customer service, and surprisingly I was able to talk well enough that I didn't sound too awful. Only one person kept saying "What! I can't understand you!" I think she would have been rude anyway.

I'm going to take another nap until my husband gets off work. Then I am going to be brave and clean my teeth for the first time. Wish me luck, please.

You is Kind Printables

2012-01-07T16:39:00.001-06:00

I had a couple of requests for downloadable printables, and a great suggestion to color just one stripe of the chevron. So, here you go. Four different versions, available for download. These are all 5x7, since I wanted to make something that could be framed and/or matted without too much expense.

You can download by clicking on the link for the color you’d like.

Yellow
Mango
Lavender
Blue

I hope you enjoy them!

Inspired by Pinterest

2012-01-06T13:38:00.001-06:00

I love subway art, and it’s everywhere. One of the hardest things for me has been choosing the “perfect” quote or theme though. My husband did not see or read The Help, and really had no desire to. I did tell him about poor little Mae Mobley and how I feel like I could have used Aibileen telling me “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” every day while I was growing up. And he suggested that it was the perfect saying for my subway art. So here it is.

I haven’t quite decided whether to frame it or do a canvas print. I may still change the color of the flower to something that gives it a little pop. What do you think? Framed or canvas? Pop of color or as is?

What to Expect...

2012-01-05T19:40:00.001-06:00

Since I don't know anyone with dentures that I can talk to, I did what I always do. I went on-line and started googling phrases like "what to expect new dentures". I got back a plethora of information, and most of it is in agreement with each other. This is always a postive sign about the veracity of the inforation, but in this instance, I wish that it had disagreed a little bit more.

So what can I expect? Facial swelling for up to a couple of weeks. A sensation like my teeth are too big for my mouth. Difficulty speaking, most likely will be expressed as a lisp. May not be able to eat real food for up to six weeks or more. What?!? No Way! I'm doing this because I can't eat!

Rewind 40+ years to 1969. My mom was 29 years old and her teeth were in terrible shape. Her only option was dentures. On a Friday afternoon, they pulled all of her teeth, and put her dentures in. The next day she was eating pork chops off the bone. By Monday, she was eating apples and corn on the cob.My mom just a couple of months after her dentures. The little charmer in the red dress was me. I was not happy about gaining a new father and upsetting my status quo.

I grew up on those stories. Now, I'm hearing that I should eat "soft foods" for 2-3 weeks before even attempting something like a very tender hamburger. Many people say that they never have been able to bite into something like a sub sandwich or a hamburger, because they haven't learned how yet. That their dentures don't bite into foods the way they were used to, and they just can't get the hang of it.

So, was my mom some kind of super woman? Admittedly, my memories of her include feats like carrying a 50 lb sack of feed on each shoulder, and building a 6 foot diameter brick fire pit in the back yard. My mom was 6 foot tall. I only got to 5'7". I grew up expecting to be able to do the same things that she did and I feel like a terrible failure when I'm not able to do those things. I can't break concrete with a sledge hammer. I know, because I can't swing a sledge hammer without falling over. But pain tolerance is a whole nother story. I have huge pain tolerance. I've been living with jaw, ear, and sinus pain for several years now, and have had mouth pain for most of my life. I still function quite well in spite of the pain. I don't expect this experience to be any different.

Do I expect to be able to chew pork chops off the bone the day after my teeth are done? Well no. I would like to be able to eat meat loaf or a hamburger patty though. I think I can handle some sauteed zucchini. Potato salad would be nice. Some pulled pork with bbq sauce would suit me quite well. I'd like some fajitas with onion and peppers. I think I've had quite enough mashed potatoes, soup, and oatmeal to last me quite awhile.

So if you're reading this, please wish me well. I think that for the most part you do get back what you put into something. I'm going into this expecting my life to improve. I'm expecting a pretty smile (I bought new lippy thank you very much!), and I expect to be able to eat again. Soon.

Almost There

2012-01-03T10:13:00.003-06:00

A couple of days before Christmas I lost one of my front top teeth. I've already lost my four front bottom teeth, and a couple in the back. All of my teeth except one is loose. This weekend I lost the ability to eat bread. I can't eat a piece of American cheese. I'm down to mashed potatoes, oatmeal, and pureed soup. We went to the buffet on Saturday night and the only thing I could eat was the mashed potatoes, because they had already put away the soup and the meatloaf. I started to cry. I was hungry, and I hated paying $9 for a plate of mashed potatoes. I have almost constant pain in my jaw now. This morning, the dentist re-opened from their two week holiday, and I was on the phone as soon as they opened to make my appointment.

A week from Friday this will all be over. Yes, I realize that's Friday the 13th. I'm not superstitious about that. I'll get my impressions done at 7:45. They'll pull my teeth at 1:00, and immediately stick my new teeth in. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I can't hardly wait. I can't decide what to eat first. I have a list. I want to eat something cold and something hot and something crunchy and something chewy. For sure there is a steak in my future. And some etoufee. And a big huge salad. I haven't been able to eat anything remotely crunchy in over 6 months. I miss salad.

The Not So Incredible Shrinking Woman

2011-12-27T14:29:00.001-06:00

I've had an ongoing sinus thing, in addition to my teeth thing, in addition to my blood sugar thing, yada, yada, yada. So since the only time that I leave the house Tuesday through Saturday is to take my son to school (not on Saturday, I'm not THAT mean), it's not unheard of for me to spend most of the week in pajamas. They are warm, so I don't have to turn the heat up as high (I'm uber-cheap), they are comfy, and I have a lot of really cute pajamas.

A couple of weeks ago (what, you slacker! you're just telling this now?), we went to go finish up our Christmas shopping. I got dressed (in real, actual clothes), and NONE of my jeans fit. Unlike my past life-experiences of pants not fitting after a week or so in pajamas, they were not all too small. This time all of my jeans were too big. Including the pair that I had just bought the week before. In the past month or so, I've gone from a size 24 to a size 20.

A week later, I put on one of my new pairs of jeans (the size 20's), and they were getting loose. I tried on a pair of 18's to see, and I'm only about an inch away from fitting into a size that starts with a 1.

I haven't fit into a size 18 since I got pregnant with Austin. And that was only for about a couple of weeks, because well, I got pregnant with Austin. The last time before that when I wore an 18, was when I was 18. Yeah. 30 years ago.

A couple of years ago, I was kidding around with my husband, and he said that I would "never" get a tiara. Hmmm. Never, huh? A few days later I was at a mass-market store and saw a cute t-shirt on the clearance rack that read "kiss my tiara". For only $3. It didn't fit. I figured it would never fit. But that was one tiara I could buy. So I did.

Last weekend, I wore that junior's size XL t-shirt to finish up our Christmas shopping. I'm thinking about adding some bling to it while it still fits. But he should remember... don't ever tell me "never."

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T10:20:00.001-06:00

We have several Christmas trees. Because we live in a fairly small house, I only put up one tree each year, but I do rotate among them. This year's tree is brand new. It's a Dallas Cowboy themed tree, and it's been a lot of fun to come up with ornaments that stick with the theme, without spending a fortune on "licensed" ornaments. There are quite a bit of licensed ornaments on here, but an even larger number that are not. We're not quite done yet, I have 36 clear glass ornaments that I have to finish (I know it's Christmas eve and I'm terribly behind), the tinsel still needs to go up, and we have blue candy canes to add as well. But here it is in all of it's current glory, and I'm thrilled with how it is coming out

This wreath is getting tons of interest on Pinterest.

I fell in love, and since we're going with a Cowboy themed Christmas this year, I needed a new wreath to fit the color scheme. Here is my take on this widely pinned wreath. I'm still not 100 percent sure this is the final bow, but it looks pretty for now. All of the ornaments were from dollar stores or left over from the tree. The form is a wire hanger, and the ribbon even came from the dollar store.

Blog Addiction

2011-12-14T21:03:00.000-06:00

My name is Katie. And I'm a blogaholic. I read over 200 blogs. Luckily for me, few of the blogs that I follow are updated daily. I've tried to quit. Honestly, I have. I'm not able to though. I'm obsessed with your home makeovers, personal makeovers, fashion tips, and diet and exercise endeavors. I think I have a rational explanation for my obsession though.The explanation came from my husband, and since he prides himself on being calm and rational, I'm sure this is a rational explanation. You are my substitute co-workers, friends, and acquaintances. Since I work from home, go to school from home, and rarely leave the house more than one or two days a week, I have little to no contact with the outside world, and I haven't quite figured out what has taken the place of IRC.So these little glimpses into your lives are wanted and needed. You give me something to see other than my own existence. Your creations inspire me to dress better, work to improve my surroundings, give me ideas on books to read, and movies to see. And for all of this I am most grateful.

Teeth and the Christmas Play

2011-11-30T08:10:00.001-06:00

We have spent a lot of the past couple of weeks researching and visiting oral surgeons. We finally found someone that is both A) Affordable and B) Non-scary. In the next couple of weeks my husband will be paying for my oral surgery and dentures and I'll be able to schedule to have my dental work done. We still don't know if I'll ultimately have to have implants or if I will prove to have enough bone left to secure dentures in place. The oral surgeon said that I may get lucky, but he thinks that worst case scenario will be upper dentures and lower implants. To be honest implants really freak me out. I think that without the teeth in place, that it looks like the Frankenstein's monster's mouth must look. It also really scares me to think about metal screws being permanently in place in my jaw.

Austin has finally made it to the fifth grade, and along with this being his last year in elementary school (at least in our school district), comes the distinction of being in the Christmas Play! I'm so excited. I remember going to the play when he was in kindergarten and realizing that some day my baby would be in that play, and now here it is. Time goes so much more quickly as you age, and having school age children seems to make it go even more quickly. I love to create costumes, and I'm eagerly waiting for an answer as to whether he will be a reindeer or an elf. I hope he's an elf, because I have some great ideas for an elf costume, and a reindeer just doesn't seem to offer up the same creative opportunities.

I was featured at Hating Martha!

2011-11-27T17:31:00.001-06:00

Janel over at Hating Martha featured my lemon bar recreation yesterday. Be sure to check me out!

Easiest. Lemon Bars. Ever.

2011-11-25T09:42:00.001-06:00

These are so easy that my 10 year-old son made them all by himself. The only help he needed was some supervision putting them into and removing them from the oven. Oh yeah. I sliced them too. I found the directions on Pinterest.

Linked here

And yes, these do have sugar. They were made to take to a family gathering along with a more diabetic-friendly option (fruit and sugar free whipped cream).

Linked up to 30 Days of Froze Pie at Hating Martha.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T10:25:00.001-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I hope you all have a safe and wonderful holiday.

Friend Friday - Thankfulness

2011-11-18T13:12:00.001-06:00

ModlyChic asked everyone participating in this week’s Friend Friday topic to write a list of what we are thankful for. I look back at the gripiness of my blog, and think that y’all probably don’t think I’m thankful for much. So I figured this was a real good time to sit down and count my blessings!

1. I'm thankful that even with all that's happened, my family is still a family.

2. I'm thankful every single day that I have my Austin.

3. I'm thankful for Pinterest and Bloggers. When things are bad, I can be inspired to find some project to take my mind off of things.

4. I'm thankful that the women in my family are strong.

5. I'm thankful for my optimism. No matter how bad things get, I know that tomorrow or the next day will be better, and that gives me the courage to keep on going.

6. I'm thankful for my job that allows me to work from home.

7. I'm thankful that I'm alive.

8. I'm thankful for the creative talents that God gave me.

9. I'm thankful that I don't have to cook Thanksgiving dinner (just the clean up!)

10. I'm thankful for the people who take the time to read and comment on my blog. Just knowing that someone is out there rooting for me helps so much.

Feel free to leave me a comment letting me know what you're thankful for, or go ahead and do a link up to Friend Friday yourself.

Confessions...

2011-11-10T17:56:00.003-06:00

I'm a diabetic, and I have a condition that goes along with it that a lot of people don't realize are related. I have really bad dental problems.

My teeth are in horrible condition. As in every tooth is loose, a couple are broken, and I've lost several teeth. I have to have the remaining ones pulled and get dentures. I'm going to the dentist on Monday, the 21st and I can hardly wait. My husband even took the day off work to go with me, because I'm really scared.

I've been trying to get this done for a year and a half now. I say trying, because I don't understand how the whole insurance thing works. I have co-pays and I know how the previous dentist wanted to do it -- pull all my teeth a few at a time, and then wait a couple of weeks, get my impressions done, and then give me my dentures about a week later. I just want to know what I was supposed to do during the 3 weeks when I have no teeth AND how does the insurance work. They pay 80% of the extractions and about 50% of the dentures, BUT there is an annual limit - so how does that fit in to all of this? I could never get the office manager at the previous dentist to explain it, and the office staff was changing all the time, so I finally called around and found an oral surgeon that's about two hours away and made an appointment. So!

I'm not eating low carb. I can only eat pureed and mashed foods. The texture of pureed meat makes me gag. I'm trying to stay more primal right now, so grain free, but when I get really hungry I do eat some oatmeal with heavy cream, butter, and splenda. Oats are the only grain that I do eat, but only 1 or 2 times a week. I'm still sugar free. I'm not using this for an excuse to eat myself into a coma, and I'm eating fairly low calorie (800-1200 calories a day.)

I hope to have new teeth that I can eat with by the beginning of 2012. Wish me luck. I'm so embarassed by my teeth, that I won't even talk to strangers if I can help it. The good news is that I'll finally have whiter teeth, because I can dentures that are whiter than my nicotine stained ones (and they will stay that way, because I'm almost 1 1/2 years smoke free!)

10 Lucky People Will Win Free Photoshop for Life!!

2011-11-02T17:57:00.002-05:00

Just click to enter here.

And for today...

2011-10-28T17:59:00.000-05:00

I posted a huge post the other night, felt bad for dumping that on you who read my blog, and deleted it again. It was a four-page letter that I wrote to my husband with no intention of sending it. It all boiled down to a few very simple questions, for which I really need answers.

What makes this time different? Why should I believe that it's really over this time, when he lied to me about it really being over the first time I found out? May I please have her address so that I can go confront her if it happens again? (Since I can't remember how to get to her house, from the time that he wanted her to see our son's Halloween costume and actually had me take him trick or treating AT HER HOUSE. YES, I do feel like a fool for that one!)

My treadmill is here. I'm not fast. I can't walk for long. But I do what I can do. I'm taking chromium and cinnamon, and have been doing that for almost 2 weeks. I'm still reading and researching and trying to figure out what to do to fix my body without including big pharma.

And for today... I will not cry.

Silk Plum Giveaway

2011-10-27T12:53:00.002-05:00

One of the blogs that I love is Meghan Young at Forever Young, and right now she is doing a giveawy from her shop, Silk Plum!

Go check it out!

I love Brad Paisley

2011-10-20T17:41:00.007-05:00

I love Brad Paisley, even if my husband does say that his songs are for the estrogen set! And I am massively proud of myself for figuring out how to embed a youtube video in my blog. Just sayin.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

2011-10-19T14:55:00.002-05:00

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
1 in 3 families are affected by domestic violence. Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behaviors — physical, sexual, psychological, and economic coercion — used by one intimate partner against another (adult or adolescent) to gain, maintain, or regain power and control in the relationship. Batterers use of a range of tactics to frighten, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, often injure, and sometimes kill a current or former intimate partner.

I'm an abuse survivor. Maybe that is one of the things that makes staying in my current situation so much easier (and harder). I'm physically safe. My son is safe. And somedays that means everything.

If you are in danger, please call 911, your local hotline, or (in the U.S.) the National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-7233 or TTY (800) 787-3224.

Pinterest Recreation Linky Party

2011-10-12T09:09:00.002-05:00

So I'm joining in on the linky party at All Things Lovely

I saw these shoes on Pinterest:

I also saw this necklace:

And was inspired to create this:

'Cause Now I KNOW

2011-09-30T19:05:00.001-05:00

My husband (partner at the time, since we weren't married) cheated on me for almost a year before I confronted him about it. I "knew", my son "knew", my friend in another state "knew". But I hadn't confirmed it, didn't have proof and so could pretend (on a good day) that I didn't KNOW.

A year and a half ago, he told me that it was over. I proceeded to marry him (even though I "knew"), plan a future with him (even though my son "knew"), and pretend everything was fine (even though everyone "knew"). Because once again I didn't look for confirmation of it and could pretend that I didn't KNOW.

My diabetes is the same way. I've had the vision so blurry that I can't see my own hand in front of my face, that's like looking through a vaseline covered lense after eating a candy bar for lunch, or a ding-dong while driving cross-country (and yes, that was very scary being on the freeway with a toddler in the backseat and all of a sudden being totally unable to see. I immediately used the CB to let my partner know I had a problem, and he guided me to the side of the road by using his mirrors and letting me know when it was safe.) I've had the dizzy spells from drinking a cherry slush on a hot summer afternoon. I've had the shakes when I skipped too many meals. I knew that there was something wrong when I lost feeling in my big toe. And when me, the girl who healed almost too quickly started taking longer and longer to heal from cuts and scratches. I knew there was something wrong with my blood sugars, but as long as I didn't check, and didn't have proof, then I didn't really KNOW and could pretend that nothing was wrong.

But now I KNOW. Its a certainty. A fact. Something I can't stick my head in the sand about and pretend that it's not really happening. I still do though. I eat low carb. I walk. I pretend that that's enough. That I'm not doing permanent, irreversible damage to my body. My husband said that he ended his affair. That he's not in contact with her anymore. He said that before. I don't know how long I can keep pretending that everything is okay. About either situation. I still like my husband. I still love him. I don't trust him. I'm not sure that I ever will. Part of me hopes not, because if I don't trust him, then he can't blind-side me again. If he can't blind-side me, then he can't hurt me as badly. The punch that you see coming never hurts as bad as the one that you didn't.

DIY - Miu Miu Glitter Flats

2011-09-27T12:48:00.003-05:00

Okay – so I found these shoes online and I fell in love, but who has $630 laying around for a pair of shoes? Certainly not me, unless someone changed my name to Paris Hilton recently.

So I set about to recreate these for myself. I really liked the gold, but I’m a pink girl, so I started with these pink glitter flats that I got on eBay for $12.99 with free shipping, because I’m a bargain girl.

They arrived in less than a week, and I took myself and one of my shoes off to Hobby Lobby. I found sequinned ribbon and glittery buttons that exactly matched my shoes. And I bought earring clips so that I could make these removable. That allows me to make multiple looks with the same pair of shoes and allows me to put my shoe clips on other shoes that I own.

I spent 45 minutes with a needle, thread, and some glue, and voila! My version of the expensive Miu Miu shoes for a teensy fraction of the cost.

I spent less than $20 including the shoes, and have enough clip-on earrings to make another 5 sets of shoe clips (or earrings). This eBay seller has these shoes available in several colors, so I may have to go back and get another pair. I have 2 large crystal buttons that I can use for a gold (or black!) pair.

Same Old, Same Old

2011-09-21T09:52:00.000-05:00

My BGs yesterday were at 251 and at 243 this morning. I've been thinking a lot lately and trying to figure out what and where and how I want my life to go - not a lot of answers yet.

I've been sick for over 2 weeks, and now Austin has it. Poor little (at least to me) guy is miserable when he gets up in the morning. I get some sinus meds into him as fast as I can so that he'll be feeling better by the time we have to leave for school.

Sunday and Monday and a Pity Party

2011-09-19T13:30:00.004-05:00

I never made it online yesterday. I was sad and trying not to cry all day. I'm reading a book called "Surviving an Affair". I thought it might help. It's making me feel worse. The authors seem to place most of the blame on the "injured party", since if the needs of the cheater were being met, they wouldn't have "needed" to cheat. They also say that one or both parties cheat in "most" marriages. That it's way more common than people think. If that's true, then what's the f***ing point? I should have just slept around on my first husband, instead of breaking up with him, then looking for someone that I had more in common with to try to build a life with. It would have been more honest. It would have been less expensive too. I just keep wondering if he still slept with her after we got married, and I haven't had the guts to ask yet. I should weigh hardly anything... I have no guts and no backbone.

My blood sugars yesterday were 263 and they were 251 today. Still no real changes here. I think I'm going to start counting calories in an effort to lose weight, since just counting carbs isn't doing it for me. I'm not posting my food here anymore, but I'm still tracking it in fitday. I'm still being accountable, just only to myself.

Austin is home sick today. I'm still sick as well, which could be contributing to the sadness that I've been feeling. I'm also feeling very self-destructive. I've been fantasizing about cigarettes and donuts. I've even been eating donuts and smoking cigarettes in my dreams. In real time, I'm not smoking and I'm eating well so that I can set a good example for my son.

This too shall pass.

Stuck in the Middle...

2011-09-16T13:08:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I evaded the wheat monster! Today my BS were 251! Right in the middle between my with wheat numbers and my without wheat numbers. I ate a LOT yesterday. I was starving all day (yes, I was also bored), but I was legitimately hungry.

I shared the information with my husband about lost beta cells and how that IS diabetes, and not something that can repair itself. I also told him that my next stop is insulin shots unless I can manage to lose an extreme amount of weight. He told me to research treadmills, and is going to buy one with his next bonus. He even started mentally rearranging furniture to put it someplace where it will be convenient for me to use it AND be able to interract with the family AND watch TV... and then he brought home more wheat tortillas when I specifically told him that I have no willpower against those and to please not buy them. I told him this while he was in the store. And then he brought them home. Sometimes I think he does want me gone, and just doesn't want to go through the hassle of a divorce and trying to get custody of Austin.

I will do anything to avoid using insulin. I'm totally needle phobic. When I was 10, it took 2 male nurses, 2 female nurses, and my mom to hold me down while the doctor gave me a penicillin shot. I still remember that day. I still remember the shot! I had to do insulin shots when I was pregnant with Austin, and the last 3 months I was up to 5 shots a day. I would fill up my syringes and just start to cry. I was using pediatric butterfly needles, and my entire stomach was one big bruise from the shots. But I did it, because it was the only way that I could make sure that Austin was okay. More proof that I love Austin more than anything. Just in case he's wondering.

Yesterday I was doing research on juicing. We're getting a juicer, because I think it's a good way to get more vegetables into our diets. I'm not talking about sugary juices with tons of fruit, I already know where that would get us. I've been looking for green monster type juices. While I was looking up juicing and diabetes, I came across something that just proved to me once again that our bodies do know what we need. I constantly crave green beans (you know string beans) and brussels sprouts (I know most people hate them, but I do actually crave them and have been known to ask my husband stop at the store for them on his way home from work). I ate tons of both when I was pregnant, and have been craving them relentlessly for months (and not eating them as much as I'd like because I worry about boring the guys with the same 2 veggies.) Both green beans and brussels sprouts have natural insulin that can be used by our bodies. Guess what I'm eating tonight?

Bounce Back

2011-09-14T16:45:00.000-05:00

And today my fasting BS was back at 263. I'm not sure what really impacts my fasting sugars. I think it has something to do with the ratio of carbs/fats/proteins that I eat for my last meal of the day. If I eat a lot of fat and calories for dinner, then my sugars tend to be lower. If I eat hardly anything (yogurt for dinner the other night), then they tend to be lower. If I eat a higher (slightly) number of carbs and protein, and lower fat (bunless chili dogs with cheese last night) then my sugars are up a little more in the morning. If I eat a wheat product anywhere at all during the day, then my sugars are in the 280 - 300 range again.

So this makes me wonder... what if I just eat a tablespoon or two of coconut oil after dinner? What effect will this have? I like the taste of it just fine. I sometimes go eat a spoonful if I'm hungry and don't have time to actually eat something while I'm working or if it's close to a mealtime and I don't want to fix a snack and a meal. I may try this tonight. We're having stir fried ground pork, cabbage, and cauli-rice. The carbs tend to be a little higher on this because of the sauce, but the fat content is good and I don't tend to eat a lot of it, because it's very satisfying in flavor and content.

Tomorrow is school picture day. I'm eager to compare Austin's new pic with the one taken last spring. I see him so much, that I can't easily see the changes, but I notice when something that I know was a tight fit now fits loosely. We went to Joe's Crab Shack in July, and he and I got t-shirts. His was so snug that I almost told him that he couldn't wear it. And an X-large was the biggest they had in the shirt that he wanted. He wore it to school on Monday, after not wearing it for a few weeks, and now it's loose! That plus his shorts falling off that were snug just 3 weeks ago tell me that he's lost weight and I just see him too much to be able to notice.

My husband has gone down one pant size. He's gone from 56 extended waists that were stretched out to their maximum capacity to 54 extended waists that are not stretched out at all. He's like a snow-covered mountain. He's melting from the top down. From the back he hardly looks overweight at all since most of his weight is in his stomach.

I don't see a lot of change in myself. My forearms are much smaller. My upper arms look almost toned. My legs are slimmer. My butt is smaller. My waistline remains the same - well not quite. Some of my pants are loose. I don't weigh myself anymore. I'm not in this for a number on the scale. I'm in this for my life. I may weigh myself again at some point just to get an idea if anything has changed, but not unless I see a huge change in my clothing size. Its too easy to allow myself to become demoralized by a little 3 digit number that in the grand scheme of things means very little.

I've Reached A New Low

2011-09-13T09:28:00.000-05:00

My fasting blood sugars reached a new low this morning. I was at 241. I've managed to drop my fasting blood sugars about 140 points so far. Only about 160 points to go to be at non-diabetic levels.

I remain grain free. I've increased the amount of fats that I'm eating. Yesterday, I only ate two times. I had two cheeseburger patties for lunch, and a low carb (Kroger brand) yogurt for dinner.

I had a gingerbread flavored MIM for breakfast with a tablespoon of cream cheese. Lunch will be one or two cheeseburger patties. Dinner will be stir fried shredded cabbage with ground pork.

I'm really, really proud of how well Austin is doing. His little joke about losing his pants on the playground came true last night on our own back steps. He was helping to carry in the groceries, and completely lost his shorts. I just bought those shorts 3 weeks ago and they were snug. Now they are literally falling off.

Monday, Monday

2011-09-12T13:05:00.000-05:00

It's Monday, which is my Sunday. I have Sunday and Monday off every week, and Sunday is spent with my husband and son doing whatever we think sounds fun. Yesterday we went out to the all you can eat buffet, and I had sausage links and bacon for breakfast. The nice man at the omelet station made me some "home fries". Then we went to a gun show, Walmart, and the grocery store. Then I took a nap. My allergies are really giving me a bad time with a very painful headache.

I did not eat any wheat or other grains yesterday, and my blood sugar reached a new low. I was at 243 this morning, which is lower than I was achieving while on Metformin. So obviously (at least to me), wheat is something that I just can't tolerate at all. Every time I eat wheat, my next day fasting sugars are much higher.

I did discover something new to eat. I had read that radishes make good "home fries". The nice cook at the buffet made me some with radishes from the salad bar. They were so good that I had them again at dinner.Only 2 grams of net carbs in 7 radishes and very easy to prepare. This is definitely something that I'll be having again in the future. I had the most incredible dinner last night. A very fatty rib eye steak, slice avocado (I was too lazy to make guacamole), and my radish home fries.

Etoufee Anyone?

2011-09-11T07:36:00.003-05:00

My husband cooked dinner on Friday night. I was bored with everything in the freezer, and was beyond trying to figure out something new to cook. My leg hurt and my allergies are acting up, so I had a headache. All I really wanted to do was go to bed, but I knew that I should eat. After a quick stop at the store, he came home from work and whipped up this little masterpiece

The “rice” is cali-rice. The sauce is the meltage from the frozen shrimp and crawfish, spices, and a little half and half. This was better than the Etoufee at my favorite Cajun restaurant and a whole lot cheaper too!

My blood sugars yesterday were 280, and back down to 260 today. Yesterday was the first day that I managed NOT to eat a low carb tortilla since we were finally out of them.

It's Finally Friday

2011-09-09T08:59:00.005-05:00

I work Tuesday through Saturday, but Friday still gives me a severe case of the happies.

Today's BS - 279

Last Saturday I had a burst of energy when I got off work, and decided to rearrange some furniture. I brought my small sewing table from the living room where it was buried, and am now using it as a night stand in my room. It's now easily accessible and I can sew whenever I want to. I also took the foot board off my bed. I have a metal sleigh bed, and the headboard and footboard take up a lot of room because of their shape. I think we got an extra 2 feet of floor space since I took the footboard off. And best of all, my husband is no longer dumping his dirty clothes at the foot of the bed, and is actually putting them in the bathroom (next to the hamper, but that's another battle.)

The whole point of this is, that there was one screw that neither Austin nor I could get out of the bed frame, and on Sunday he scraped his shin on it. I bandaged him up, and everyone said we would try again to remove it, but it didn't happen. This morning, my mind was happily occupied with wanting to be in the kitchen eating my MIM, and I got my husband's shoes for him and walked right into that screw and cut my leg open. It took a minute for those pain sensors to kick in, and I assured my husband that I was okay and went into the kitchen and burst into tears. I'm all nicely bandaged up now, and my husband assured me that he will remove that screw tonight. We'll see about that, because I'm sure he'll forget. Especially if I'm wearing something covers up the bandage on my leg.

Food Today - 526 cal - 1 carb
07:00 1 oz cheddar cheese - 80 cal - 0 carb
08:00 MIM w/1 tbsp cream cheese - 446 cal - 1 carb

Daily Post

2011-09-08T16:27:00.003-05:00

Well - here's today's fasting blood sugars - 281! I think it is the low carb tortillas. That is the only major difference between what I ate over the weekend when it was in the 260's and what I've eaten the past few days and put it to 280. I eat one of those tortillas for my morning snack, because I never have time to grab breakfast and a little piece of cheese just doesn't last.

Battle plan! Tonight I will make a MIM from flax seed meal to have in the morning with a schmear of cream cheese, and I'll make myself eat some protein for a mid-morning snack if I need one instead of a tortilla.

Food Totals - 1438 cal - 19.5 carbs
1 oz cheddar cheese 80 cal - 0 carbs
1 lc tortillas 120 cal - 6 carbs
1 1/2 bratwurst patties 525 cal - 4.5 carbs
2 tbsp peanut butter - 188 cal - 4.5 carbs
1 bratwurst patty 525 cal - 4.5 carbs

Austin's Lunch for 09/08/11

2011-09-08T11:26:00.003-05:00

Austin's lunch for today. Posted for the Lunchbox Challenge at Paleo Parents.

His lunch is a ham sandwich on grain free bread (oopsie roll recipe from Your Lighter Side), a cheese stick, blueberries, yellow pepper strips, and cocoa almonds.

Austin told me when he got home that he really liked this lunch a lot, and that one of the lunch ladies commented on how good his lunch looked and how pretty it was packed. Now I am one proud and happy Mama!

Another day

2011-09-07T10:18:00.009-05:00

Today my fasting BS was 280. I took a look at what I did differently yesterday and I ate dinner about 2 hours later than usual and I ate 1/2 square of dark chocolate (only 2 carbs). I basically ate dinner, watched TV for 20 minutes and went to bed. I don't think that made my body very happy.

Thank you for all the comments. It's nice to know that people are reading, and I'm not just sitting here talking to myself.

I don't have health insurance, so I'm completely self paying. Not a huge deal, but I told my PA that I am not concerned about my cholesterol, triglycerides, ldl, hdl, or any of that because I know that low carb and exercise will bring those numbers into correct ratios, plus I know that high cholesterol is not a true indicator of what is going on with your body. I asked her if we could just test my sugars, but she won't. Instead she ordered over $300 in blood work that I really can't afford and refuses to see me or refill my scripts until I have the blood work done. And her reasoning for doing this was that I was reading a book on my Kindle when I was at the doctor and she told me that I could have paid for my bloodwork with what my Kindle cost. That would be true... if I had paid for my Kindle. But I didn't. I won it and a gift card to Amazon to buy books from a drawing at work.

So she won't see me, won't treat me, and I haven't been able to find another doctor that I can both afford and get in to see in a reasonable time span. So for now, I'm med free and just praying that I don't die or do irreversible damage to myself before I can get this under control. I'm not looking for pity or sympathy or anything else. Just telling the facts, so that no one wonders "why doesn't she do this or that?"

I'm going to start logging my food instead of just assuming what my carbs are. I know that I've been less than 30 most days, but I need to be sure and not just be guessing all the time. Maybe I'm getting too many of my carbs in one clump instead of being evenly distributed.

Totals - 24 carb - 1716 cal
08:00 1 oz cheddar cheese 0 carb - 80 cal
10:00 1 lc tortilla 6 carb - 120 cal
11:00 1 bratwurst patty 3 carb - 350 cal
13:00 6 oz ground chuck 0 carb - 418 cal
13:00 1 small avocado 5 carb - 250 cal
20:00 6 oz ground chuck 0 carb - 418 cal
21:00 jello sf pudding 10 carb - 80 cal

That was it for the day

Two Posts in One Day!

2011-09-06T12:55:00.005-05:00

What is the world coming to? I decided to make myself more accountable for checking my fasting blood sugars. These numbers may shock and horrify some of you, but considering where I was... They are improving!

09/04/11 - 269
09/05/11 - 260
09/06/11 - 269

Now this is without meds of any kind. When I was on Metformin alone without dietary restrictions, my fasting sugars were around 380. We added Glyburide and it went to about 360. Metformin makes me seriously ill... so ill that I can't stay on the phones and it was adversely affecting my job, and my doctor didn't consider "a little stomach upset" to be enough of a reason to give me FMLA so that I wouldn't lose my job. Adding Glyburide to the mix didn't have much impact on my sugar levels, and the Metformin was still making me ill, so I decided to just take my chances without the medications. My family needs my income, and I can't afford to lose my job.

After reading the Diabetes Warrior website for a few weeks (he did not endorse any of this in any way) and knowing that I can live quite happily on a restricted carb diet - I had all the incentive that I needed to continue drug free and try to improve my condition with diet and exercise. From what I've read, I need to bring my weight down by at least 25 pounds (10% of my weight) to see a bigger impact on my blood sugars. I still need to figure out why my weight isn't dropping at all, but that may be the missing exercise component. I need to find time to exercise (and no, I don't watch TV much, so using that time to exercise isn't the solution.)

I know that numbers that are this high mean that I'm doing severe damage to my body, and I need to make it stop.

Austin has a sense of humor

2011-09-06T11:27:00.003-05:00

So, some of Austin's new school clothes are getting a little loose, and we've been very glad for the belts on his pants. Friday afternoon, I asked him if his pants were loose and he told me that they fell down. I asked him if that was why they were in the middle of the living room floor, and he said no that they fell down in the playground at recess. I was horrified that this had happened to my son and told him that it was a good thing that he had nice underwear on. He said no, that when his pants went... his underwear went with them. By now I was freaking out at the thought of every kid's worst nightmare come true... being nekkid in public, especially in front of other kids they go to school with. I was so upset and I started apologizing over and over and told him we would go through all his clothes over the weekend and make sure that he only had pants that fit. He busted up laughing and said, just kidding.

His pants are getting loose, but thank goodness they aren't that loose. I'll have to keep an eye on what he wears to school in the future though. I wouldn't want that joke to come true!

The Low Fat Nazis Ride Again

2011-09-01T09:24:00.001-05:00

Web M.D. is once again flogging the low fat/high carb/lower protein horse. I don't think they will ever learn.

High-Protein Diet Slideshow

It's Been Over a Week

2011-08-23T13:13:00.004-05:00

And yes, I'm still here. Last week was my birthday, and my husband completely forgot it. He said, "I didn't forget your birthday, I just didn't realize what day it was." That sounds a lot like "I forgot your birthday, because you just aren't important enough for me to notice that it's getting close to that time of year and I should pay attention for a couple of weeks so that I don't miss your birthday." Is it really that hard? I remember his birthday, Father's Day, the birthdays of all of his kids, our son's birthday, the anniversary of when we met on-line, when we met in real life, and our wedding anniversary. And then he acted like I was being irrational about him forgetting. Even after I reminded him how upset he was that none of his kids called on his birthday and I made a point of staying up til after midnight so that I could be the first one to wish him a happy birthday.

Did I eat off plan? No. Did I want to? A little bit. What I really wanted was a cigarette. After all this time, I want a cigarette more than I want to eat off plan.

I think I finally figured out what is bothering me about this whole "affair thing". I told him that I really can't live with the situation. I even reminded him that I told him last time I found out that I would leave if it happened again. Still it continues. He says he doesn't want me to leave, but it sure doesn't seem like it to me. It's like when you tell your kid not to do something and they keep doing it anyway... it's so much easier to accept when it's just my kid leaving dirty dishes in the living room even though that annoys me too.

One more day trying not to cry. I hate when I cry. Then either my son or my husband asks me what's wrong, and I feel like responding "Duh!" Instead I tell them nothing is wrong, or say it's just sniffles from my sinuses, or tell them I miss my mommy (which I really, really do), or that I feel bad about my Grandma dying (which I also really, really do.)

On the bright side, yesterday was the first day of school. Austin lost enough weight to buy one size smaller in pants, and we put together "outfits" for school. He looked really good, he likes his new teacher, he made a new friend (actually an old friend who had moved away a couple of years ago, moved back to this school district), and no one made fun of his lunch. In fact they thought the mini cheesecake was cool. And best of all... when I picked him up after school, he said "I have to get right on my homework so that I have time to do other things afterward and still get to bed on time." And he did.

I know you don't read my blog, Little Man. But your Mama loves you very, very much and is so proud of you.

Just (Don't) Do It

2011-08-12T11:22:00.003-05:00

We have all kinds of ways to justify a cheat. We've been good. Life has been bad. We DESERVE it for whatever reason. My advice? Don't do it. It's never as good as you think it will be. Whether it comes to smoking or eating sugar or having just one breadstick... it's just not that good.

I quit smoking over a year ago, and I still have days when I fantasize about just one cigarette. I know that first one will be miserable though. It will make my throat and lungs hurt. It will make me sick to my stomach. It will most likely give me a headache. It will be so unsatisfying that it will lead to a second cigarette. I didn't say this would make sense. Why would I have a second of something that made me so miserable? To try to get to the point where it doesn't make me miserable and gives me the same satisfaction that I remember. But, that satisfaction doesn't exist anymore. My body has changed. The body that smoked for over 35 years (I started really, really young) isn't here anymore. This is a body that hasn't smoked in a long time and doesn't know how to process it anymore.

The same thing with sugar and other carbs. This is not the same body that it used to be This is an (almost) 48 year-old body that has abused sugar and other carbs for decades, and can't process it anymore. I can tell the difference now when I eat. Even 20 carbs eaten all at one time result in nausea and even blurred vision. There's no more having just one bad meal or even one bad thing with a meal. Now that I'm not used to eating carbs, I'm even more carb sensitive than I was before. I don't have to wait for the next day to feel hung-over and tired from a carb binge like I used to when I cheated on my eating plan. I just don't have the insulin producing capabilities that I used to have and I feel ill within minutes.

So... no cheating. No slipping. No falling off the wagon. This has to be how I eat for the rest of my life. No excuses.

Not giving in...

2011-07-29T17:34:00.003-05:00

This has been a bad week. I'm not talking about your run of the mill bad week. This one has been so bad, that I expect to shatter into a million pieces any minute now. But wait, can't do that. My son needs me.

Tuesday night, I found out that my Grandmother had only a couple of days left to live. She died at 2am this morning my time. (We miss you already, Grandma.) That was bad. She was the one constant in my life as a child, since my mom tended to date a lot, marry a lot, divorce a lot, and just in general Grandma's house was a safe place for me to land when my mom wasn't going to be around.

Two and a half years ago, I found out that my then partner of 10 years had been cheating on me for an entire year. I knew the entire time, but chose to allow him to lie to me, until one day I wasn't willing to accept that anymore. We got married last summer, and just had our one year anniversary. Well guess what? He never stopped seeing her. I knew it in the back of my head or in my heart or some such place, but didn't want to confront him, because of some remarks he made about he didn't think that I could get past this and move on. Well, I guess that I'm not the one who couldn't move on.

And the excuse for not ending it when he told me he did? She threatened to kill herself, and he thought he could end it before I found out. Now how's that working out for you? It's not working out so great for me.

I haven't eaten off plan though. I've lost between 8 and 10 pounds (depending on how much sleep I've had), and I'm not giving in. Losing 10 percent of my body weight is supposed to really help my diabetes. I can't give in and die now. If I do, that home-wrecker may get to raise my son.

Round ??

2011-07-15T10:26:00.007-05:00

I'm going to be brutally honest here. I have been a poor overseer of my son's nutrition. There. It's out there in the open. Time to quit looking at my son and giving myself internal abuse and take things in hand and help him to overcome this issue. Even if I do stop being "the best mama in the world." His self-esteem and long-term health are way more important than whether he thinks I'm "nice".

My son is 10. He's beautiful. Inside and out. He will find money on the ground and spend 30 minutes trying to find out who it belongs to. He sees a serviceman or woman on the street or in a store and goes out of his way to thank them for serving our country and protecting him. He picks up trash when he sees it and finds a trash can. And the other kids at school make fun of him behind his back for being fat. And that's my fault. He's 5'7" tall. He weighs more than he should. He's not impaired in any way, he can run and do all the stuff that other kids do, but if he continues to gain weight, he won't be able to. He's definitely the "big" kid. So we're going to do something about it right now. Pray for us, okay?

I purchased the meal planning stuff from 24/7 Low Carb Diner, signed up for her monthly newsletter, and I'll be making meal plans and shopping in advance. My husband even agreed to help me with weekly meal prep since we both like to cook and we figure that with two of us doing meal prep that it will go pretty quickly. I explained a little bit about how we'll be eating to my son and he immediately started to cry. He's a carb addict, and I know that he will be miserable the first few days, but we will get through this. I'm hoping that by seeing the quick results of near induction carb levels that he will be inspired to eat more healthily for the rest of his life.

I've lost weight recently, not sure how much but I've gone from a 24 to a 22 or even a 20 in some pants. I have a closet full of brand new clothes, which is usually a recipe for disaster since I have this worry in the back of my head that if I lose weight I won't be able to afford new clothes. On the good end of the spectrum, I've kept all of my son's barely worn clothes (he outgrows them before they become worn), so we have clothes for quite awhile for him and the outlet mall is our friend!

7 Worst Supermarket Breakfasts?

2011-05-10T08:47:00.004-05:00

I love those Yahoo! news clips that pop up when I log into Yahoo! IM every morning. One of this morning's main link ups was to this article on the 7 Worst Supermarket Breakfasts. I commend that they realize that sugar is not good for you, but once again they are attacking animal fat. The good news is that 5 out of the 7 worst breakfasts are all carby choices, and only 1 of the 7 is a protein. It's good to see sugar coming under attack instead of hearing the same old a calorie is a calorie line.

Give Yourself a Five Star Rating

2011-05-05T08:47:00.002-05:00

In response to Mel's blog at The Clothes Make the Girl, here is my response to today's "assignment".

Today’s assignment: 5 Things You Love About Yourself

5 Things I Love About Myself

1. I'm a cheerleader. If you are trying to do something whether it's self-improvement, or changing a light bulb, I'll be right there cheering you on, reminding you that you can do it and I have faith in you.

2. I can read really, really fast. I taught myself to read when I was 2, so I've been reading for a really long time. I can read huge books in just 1 or 2 days. And I read everywhere. I read while I'm cooking dinner, waiting outside school for my son, and even yes, I admit it... in the bathroom. I will read the backs of cereal boxes if there's nothing else to read.

3. I can recite most of the lines from The Breakfast Club, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and Pretty in Pink right along with the movie. There are other movies that I can do this with as well, but these are the three that I know best.

4. I am very loyal. You have to go to great ends to prove to me that someone I care about isn't worthy of my devotion. I am also e

5.I am optimistic. I have spells of deep depression, but my eternal optimism doesn't usually allow them to last long. I am always sure that no matter how dire the situation, something will come along to fix it all. So far I've been mostly right about this.

So what about you? Can you name five things that you love about yourself?

Bring on the Fashionista!

2011-05-03T16:39:00.004-05:00

I don't know what's gotten into me lately, but I'm obsessed with all of the fashion blogs that I've stumbled across. And now I'm deliberately seeking out new ones. It started out innocently enough with Steph's Midlife Makeover Year, which to be honest isn't even a fashion blog, but rather her blogumentary about her self-improvement process. (BTW, I love this blog and check it out every single day!). I came across Steph's blog in my search for other people who do low carb, lower carb, paleo, or any combination.

Somehow this led to my finding Tina's T Minus, T Plus, which is Tina's blog about weight loss, fitness, and becoming more concsious of her clothing choices. While Steph's blog does share photos of the changes that she's making, Tina posts photos of her clothing choices almost every single day. And now I'm hooked. And I'm on the lookout for other blogs of regular people showing off their fashion savvy. So if you know of a good blog about regular people showing off what they where, send it my way. I can always use another good blog to read!

Some of you know that I only really leave the house 1 or 2 days a week. I have to admit that my new obsession is starting to affect my life. I actually tried to plan an outfit for a stay home day. My shorts, t-shirts, and pajamas are going to miss me!

The Doctor, New Meds, and Lower Blood Sugars

2011-04-22T10:17:00.002-05:00

I went to the doctor on Monday. Not the most pleasant experience. Somebody must have peed on her corn flakes for sure. My blood pressure was normal, and she ignored the note that the nurse made in my chart and was going to refill my blood pressure meds, when I told her I had been off of them for a few months, she was not nice. I just didn't see the point in taking them when I'm maintaining normal blood pressure without them.

My blood sugars are still around 300 fasting even if I eat no carbs at all. I don't know why they are still so bad. She refilled my Metformin, refused to discuss the possibility of Metformin ER (which has fewer side effects) and added Amyral. This turned out to not be such a bad thing.

I tried to explain how bad the side-effects are on Metformin (hours spent in the restroom), and she said that she is not going to put in an FMLA for stomach upsets. She told me that if I don't get my labs done, she's going to drop me as a patient, but wouldn't tell me what all of the tests are for. I'm the one paying. That makes me the customer. What the hell is it with doctors that they think they can dictate to you? I don't want to get dropped right now though, because then I have to start all over again with another doctor that may not be any better.

Good news though. With Metformin and Amyral, my fasting sugars are about 200. Still not good, but so much better than 300 or more. My body has been at 300 or more for so long that whenever it drops down to 200 or so, I get nauseated and just about pass out. Last night, I thought I was going to collapse for sure and I checked my sugars and they were 197! That is the first time that I've seen a reading of under 200 in over a year. I don't know what's in Amyral, but I'm on the maximum dose of that with a minimal dose of Metformin (500 2x a day) and it's coming down a lot.

Now I just need to get my body used to lower blood sugars again so that I don't have to worry about falling over ;)

The downward spiral

2011-04-14T10:11:00.005-05:00

My son's birthday was a few weeks ago. My husband made him french toast for breakfast... my absolute favorite thing. He made some for me too, and even though I shouldn't have I ate it. I had just spent a very frustrating hour trying to get the Dallas newspaper. First I had to drive 10 miles to the next town over. No one would give me quarters for the newspaper machine. I finally found a car wash that had a coin changer, got my quarters went back to the convenience store, and their machine was sold out. Went to the other convenience store, and their machine ate my quarters. I had been awake for several hours, my blood sugar was dropping, I was frustrated, shaky, and getting very short-tempered. I ate the french toast.

Since then, my husband has brought me low carb wraps and tortillas so that I could have more variety in my meals. I think they make me crave more carbs. I was okay at first just eating one every 2 or 3 days, but then I started noticing that I was wanting to let other carbs in the door, and I'm making excuses for allowing them. Why bother trying to watch what I eat, my blood sugars aren't dropping anyway even when I was stay at 30 carbs a day or less. I'm going to the doctor next week, so I might as well eat what I want until then since I'll be going on meds then and getting base-line bloodwork done. Now we're going to the fancy gourmet grocery store that's 2 hours away from here on Sunday. You'll have to trust me that this place is carb heaven. They have a huge bakery that has artisan breads and fancy pastries, they make gelato right there in the store, there is take-out food and they even have a patio to eat on. I managed to not eat anything off-plan last time we went, but I'm not holding out much hope for this trip.

24/7 Low Carb Diner

2011-04-12T11:17:00.003-05:00

If you haven't already visited Lisa's blog, The 24/7 Low Carb Diner, then it is a must read. She has a friendly writing style, tons of recipes, and a sincerity that shows through in every post. I just spent a week reading her entire blog from start through yesterday's posting of Jicama Hash.

I've been trying to acclimate to the change in my school schedule. There is so much more work in my classes for my BS than there was in my AA classes, and an entire class is compressed into 5 weeks. I'm hanging in there so far, but we'll know for sure how this is going once I get my grade back on my first paper sometime later this week. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Planning to go to the doctor next Monday and ask for Metformin ER. From what I've been reading on the internet, it's not supposed to have the side-effects as badly. I'm also planning to ask for an FMLA letter for work, just in case it does. I had to stop taking regular Metformin because of the amount of time I was spending in the restroom. My employer was not happy about it, and the FMLA should give me the time I need for my body to acclimate to my new meds.

Grapes

2011-03-31T13:52:00.004-05:00

So last night my husband finally got to leave work at 9pm. He had to stop at the store to pick up a few things, and I teased him that I'd see him around 11pm. He assured me that he wouldn't be that late, but I know that time spent in the grocery store is like time spent in a casino. You can easily spend hours there and feel like it's only been a few minutes. I decided to sleep for a little while so that I could spend time with him when he got home. He finally got home around 11:15pm, and I got up to see what he brought home.

He had brought home some of what I asked for and some things that caught his eye while he was there. One of them was a huge bag of grapes. I love grapes. It was always the first sign of summer when I was a kid. My mom would buy a huge bag of grapes and a stack of comic books, and we would spend a while day laying on the floor eating grapes, drinking RC cola, and reading comic books. I kind of miss those days.

I picked up the bag of grapes, intending to put them in the fridge, but got side-tracked. The next thing I know, I'm popping grapes in my mouth like they're nothing. I figured out what I was doing and stopped after about 10 grapes. 20 minutes later I was nauseated and sweating. I checked my blood sugars and they were over 325. Now granted I'm a non-medicated diabetic, and my fasting sugars run between 265 and 280, but eating low carb they almost never go above 300. I hadn't even realized how badly 10 grapes could affect me.

More of the same

2011-03-30T17:40:00.002-05:00

Well, it's Wednesday. For most of the country, it's hump day. Here, it's only Tuesday and there's still the whole rest of the week to go. On the bright side, I did earn my AA in Information Technology (go me!), and I just started my Bachelor's program yesterday. With a lot of hard work, determination, and a little luck, I'll have my BS at the end of 2012.

I've been lax about posting on here. I discovered a new online game that I can play in between incoming phone calls, I've been searching for coupons (darn! that is addictive), and I've been reading the other low carb blogs. I've found some great ones, and it's always more entertaining to read about the adventures of others than to write about my own non-adventurous life.

We're still couponing. This month we've purchased about $1500 worth of stuff for about $350. We're still just outside that magic 80% savings mark, but we come closer all the time. We scored about 40 boxes of FREE cat food. No, we don't have a cat, but we're planning to get one after we move this summer. We're taking the Boy Scout Motto of "Be Prepared" to whole new levels.

My husband thinks the best score was the free cat food and the free joint pills. I have to admit they really do work. My hips have been a lot less painful. My favorite score so far is the 20 containers of Purex Softener Crystals that we got for 99 cents each. I wanted to try it really badly, but thought it was horribly over-priced. Combine $2.00 off coupons, buy one-get one free coupons, and an in-store sale with a cash back incentive and you get to try it for 16% of the regular price.

For a few days there, I felt like we were doing something illegal. We have all of this stuff piling up that we paid very little for. I organized it into containers so that it's easy to find, but not in my face and that feeling went away. Kind of a shame. It was very Bonnie and Clyde.

I've been good about eating on program. My blood pressure is pretty stable. My sugars are still whacked, but after a lot of research, I've decided to ask the doctor to put me on Metformin ER. It's not supposed to cause the stomach issues, and because it's extended release it's supposed to create more stable sugars. I lost 5 pounds, but I don't believe it's real yet. Maybe I'll believe it if my weight is still down next week. Best of all, I haven't had a bad cigarette craving in over a week!

Coconut Oil Giveaway

2011-03-22T14:26:00.000-05:00

Go check out Wellness Mama's Coconut Oil Giveaway!

Coconut Oil Giveaway! Don’t sign up so I can win! http://wp.me/pJk4L-xp #theWellnessMama

Extreme Couponing

2011-03-19T17:58:00.003-05:00

My husband has been bitten by the "extreme" couponing bug. He has only been doing this for one week, and here is the result of his haul so far.

3 bottles of laundry soap
14 deodorants
4 bottles of body wash
1 tube of toothpaste
2 toothbrushes
4 bottles of shampoo
4 cans of mousse
18 room deodorizers (I already took 1 for my bathroom)

Total Value - 161.80
Total Spent - 34.53
Total Saved - 127.27

That is savings of 78.6%!

He doesn't have a stockpile of coupons, this is from the coupons that he pulled from the March 13 newspaper combined with store sales from the same week. No one in our family will smell bad any time in the near future!

They just don't get it...

2011-03-08T17:36:00.003-06:00

I saw this on a vegetarian website today.

From Escape the Herd:
Holy Shit! Excuse my language but in this case, it is appropriate. I almost said Holy Cow but after I read this article Holy Shit seemed much more fitting. What Taco Hell puts in the crap they sell is not allowed to be called beef. Here are some of the ingredients they sneak into their "meat":

Water, isolated oat product, salt, chili pepper, onion powder, tomato powder, oats (wheat), soy lecithin, sugar, spices, maltodextrin , soybean oil (anti-dusting agent), garlic powder, autolyzed yeast extract, citric acid, caramel color, cocoa powder, silicon dioxide (anti-caking agent), natural flavors, yeast, modified corn starch, natural smoke flavor, salt, sodium phosphate, less than 2% of beef broth, potassium phosphate, and potassium lactate.

Just another place to cross off your list if you haven't already. If you become really aware of what you eat and how foods effect you, you will end up only eating home cooked meals and at few high quality restaurants. People who take pride in what they cook do not compromise on ingredients to save a few cents per serving.

Here's my response: In Taco Bell's defense, they START with 100% ground beef, just like anyone else who is making a ground beef filling for tacos and burritos. Most of what they add to it is seasonings, starches for thickening, and preservatives. After all, you wouldn't want to eat a spice blend with oil in it (which keeps the product from creating too much dust) in which the oil has gone rancid. Most of this stuff is in our kitchen cabinets and all of it is in our local grocery stores. Personally I don't think ground beef has a lot of flavor served "as is" and I'm glad that Taco Bell adds flavor to it. I know that when I cook ground beef, I add flavor too.

And now, for what I didn't say there... Look Ma! No sugar! That's a major coup. A fast food restaurant that is NOT putting sugar in all of their products. Too bad about the oat products, which do add some carbs, but hey if my day was low enough in carbs and I was desperate for a taco-like substance, I could buy a burrito and empty it onto a plate of lettuce, or even eat one of their taco salads if I made some modifications.

Good news on my health!

2011-03-08T09:57:00.002-06:00

I just have to share this. As of two weeks ago (3 days before I restarted LC), my blood pressure was usually around 165/110 - 180/125. After just 10 days back on low carb, my blood pressure is down to 140/90, which was the highest of the 3 times I checked it yesterday. This is without medication, so I am very excited that this is already showing such positive results in my health.

My new blood glucose monitor will be here this coming weekend, and I'll finally be able to check on my blood sugars again.

I've been downsized!

2011-03-05T16:57:00.002-06:00

I'm no longer morbidly obese. I'm just regular obese. For some reason this strikes me as extremely funny.

One week on low carb!

2011-03-03T13:24:00.002-06:00

Go me! I'm doing really, really well. Not a single off-plan food. That included a trip to the buffet and the chocolate chip cookie invasion. Thank the fates for cream cheese mixed with Splenda. It's my little treat at the end of the day. Last night James brought home some sugar-free gelatin so that I have another option.

So I open up my Yahoo! this morning, and there is a link to read a story about a food that will help reduce hunger. I follow the link, and it is telling me to eat under ripe bananas. That is so not going to happen. But in that story was a link to "8 Reasons Why Carbs Help You Lose Weight. The newest carb scam is that there is something known as "Resistant Starch" and if you eat carbs that are high in Resistant Starch, you will lose weight. Their "research" shows that people who eat the highest number of carbs are the slimmest and that those who eat the least number of carbs are the "chubbiest". They reccommend that you eat at least 361 carbs a day.

I'd love to see their "research", because if I eat that many carbs I will need bigger pants in a few weeks if not sooner. I would also be constantly suffering from nausea because right now if I eat more than 5-10 carbs at a meal, I feel sick.

Well more to come later... Happy low carbing everyone!

Well it's been almost another year

2011-02-25T14:48:00.002-06:00

And I'm still here! It is my 9 month anniversary today. I quit smoking on May 25, 2010. I can't believe its been that long already.

I married James on July 2, 2010 and I wanted to give him and my son a good wedding present that would have meaning. Quitting smoking was the best thing that I could think of because it means that I'll be here for both of them for a longer time.

Still struggling with my weight. When I found out about James' affair, I lost about 50 pounds in just a couple of months. Who knew that I really "could" totally lose my appetite and not want to eat. I gained some weight back when I quit smoking, but I've re-lost it and a little more.

On the downside, I am now officially a diabetic with high blood-pressure. Metformin makes me very ill and gives me debilitating headaches. My blood pressure medication is prohibitavely expensive. And to top it off, neither medication is really working. My fasting sugars are still around 300 and my blood pressure is still around 140/100.

The solution? You guessed it! I'm back on low-carb. This time for good. If I eat carbs I feel sick. Mostly because my blood sugars shoot into the over 600 range (I know this, because the blood tester says "over 600"). I was told to go straight to the emergency room if this happens, do not pass go, do not collect $200. So far I've gone for walks, eaten a bunch of fat, and brought my sugars down to the 300 range again within an hour or so, but this cannot be good for my brain.

So this is day 2. I'm doing as close to induction as I can, although I did have some frozen strawberries yesterday.

It's been over a year...

2010-04-23T15:41:00.003-05:00

Not sure anyone even bothers to check here anymore, and I can't say that I'd blame you. My current weight is 230 lbs. I was 275 at the beginning of December, and on December 11, 2009 my entire world turned upside down.

I knew all through 2009 that my partner of almost 10 years was having an affair. When he blew off our anniversary on December 5th it was kind of the last straw for me. A few days later I went hunting through our cellphone bills and confirmed it. I found her phone number in his call records several times a day. So I called her and asked who I'd reached. She told me her name, and I said "oh wrong number." and hung up.

Then I called him and asked who she was. He told me she was a friend. I told him to try harder and hung up on him. Then I started to cry. I'll write more later - I have to get this out somehow, and this seems like the best place.

Almost 9 months later...

2008-01-23T17:05:00.000-06:00

So... it's been a very long time since I've posted anything. So long that I'm sure everyone has given up even checking here!

I ended up going to the emergency room not long after my last post, and found that my blood pressure was 246/176. Yes, you can have blood pressure like that and still live. An interesting note. If your blood pressure is that high, they don't ask how you're going to pay the bill, they only ask for your next of kin information.

The first meds that I was on made me incredibly tired. So tired that I couldn't stay awake all day, even after a full night of sleep. And of course, I used being so tired and just generally not feeling well as an excuse to eat crap.

My weight went back up to 267. J and I decided to go back on Atkins, and I weighed myself the day we started for the first time in almost a year. I didn't shoot back up to my highest weight, but I was darned close!

I think my new meds are working better than the last ones, and I'm also on some anti-anxiety meds (I was having anxiety attacks). They seem to have stopped the chest pains I was having. I still need way more sleep than I used to, no more all night sewing binges to meet deadlines... I just can't stay awake all night anymore. I end up falling asleep with my sewing in my lap.

The inability to sew much this past year had a severely negative effect on our finances, and I'm trying to focus on getting that all in order again. It will take a few months, but for now I just keep praying for the motivation to keep sewing as fast as I can!

I'm Still Here!

2007-03-31T10:12:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that I haven't posted in a MONTH! No more weight loss, but my efforts haven't been as serious as they should be either. I keep finding excuses to eat off plan! I think that I have the majority of those behind me, but we'll see.

I broke a tooth! I'm in an incredible amount of pain, my sinuses are messed up, I'm having trouble sleeping, and eating anything is very hard. Hopefully this will be resolved very soon so that I can eat correctly again.

A Bad Case of the Crazies...

2007-03-01T19:24:00.000-06:00

I have tons of thoughts in my head tonight, so instead of working on the dress that I desperately need to finish, I'm here in front of my keyboard once again.

Why do they call it LOSING weight? I haven't LOST it. That implies a sense of loss, a sense that this is something that I'll be seeking to find again. I know where my fat went. I most certainly know where to find it, and it's something that I fight with every trip to town. It's right there waiting for me at Sonic, at the buffet, at Dairy Queen, at Braums (the best ice cream store Texas just in case you aren't blessed enough to live here and know what it is), and even on every inside aisle at the grocery store. "Town days" are the hardest. I live in a town of less than 500 people and we only have a convenience store. I try to avoid it like the plague, because I know what's inside. The days I go to town to do the grocery thing, the bank run, or to pay some bills are the hardest. Living in the south, there is temptation on every corner. We don't have a lot of variety when it comes to restaurants and what we do have is loaded with bad fats, bad carbs, and sugar. It's easier to just pretend that I really *do* want to cook at home.

Bad dreams last night, and I've been on the verge of tears all day. Finally figured out what is causing it, but I can't do anything immediate about it, so I'll just have to deal with it. I dreamed that someone broke into the house and was going to hurt the little man. I managed to get him into another room, and there was my mom who shot the bad person. I tried to get her to meet the little man and she just faded away. I still have so much sadness that she died right before I got pregnant. She would not have been a stellar grandma to a little boy, but she would have loved him. She hated loud kids, dirt, kids that couldn't sit still... pretty much everything that describes my little guy.

The Daddy man will be 43 in less than 2 weeks, and I'm worried that he's going to die young. I feel so selfish when I worry about this. I don't worry so much about how the little man will cope with it... I really worry about myself and how I will take care of us financially. And worry that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I hate to be alone. So yeah... lots of demons here today.

Weight 238? - Pounds left to lose 88?

2007-02-28T08:04:00.000-06:00

This is a guess at best. I have an analog scale, and the notches on the dial are so small that I can't really see it BUT it was below 240 and it wasn't teetering on the edge of the 240 line, so this is what I'm taking it for :)

I am being fiscally responsible and actually paying our bills instead of buying a new scale. Maybe in April, since I have both the Daddy man's and the little man's birthdays in March. Getting Daddy man his hat for his Federal impression (we do Civil War reenacting in case you're a new reader), and the little man is getting a new bike!

I actually have "owed" the little man this bike since last summer, since I bribed him with it, he earned it, but we didn't have the money to come through. Yes, I've been lying to my son for several months now. We told him if he went 7 days without wetting his bed, we would buy him a bike. The catch... for him at least was that he couldn't count yet... so when he came through and didn't ask how many days on THE day, I didn't volunteer the information. We were going to get it for Christmas, but the weather was cold, so his birthday will work. Yes, since I owe him the bike already, I'll try to get him something extra. Probably a T-ball set since he's starting that in a couple of weeks. That way he can get in extra practice with me and the Daddy man.

Weight ? - Pounds left to lose... a lot

2007-02-14T09:09:00.000-06:00

So... it's true the scale is broken. Its harder for me to NOT eat off plan when I don't get immediate gratification that what I'm doing is working. I was hoping to buy one this week, but we just found out that T-Ball sign-ups are on Sunday and I really, really WANT that for my son. The scale will have to wait. I am eating on plan though except for 1 kind of planned detour at lunchtime on Sunday. Far from home, in a small town with kind of hit and miss food options and we talked about it and chose to eat off plan.

Onward and DOWNward...

No news is good news?

2007-02-10T18:14:00.000-06:00

So... once again my scale has eaten a battery. I went to weigh myself this morning (I weigh daily even though it's only "official" on Monday), and I was faced with the dreaded Lo.

I'll check it in a bit, but if it's still bad I'm not going to put any further money into this scale. I'll save up and buy a new one in a few weeks.

I am absolutely starving today! I'm not sure if it's the weather or if it's due to lack of sleep, but it's everything I can do not to eat an entire package of whole wheat fig newtons. Yes, binging on healthy food is still binging. So far I'm fighting off the urge successfully. Maybe Mexican food (homemade) for dinner will help!

Weight 241.9 - Pounds left to lose 91.9

2007-02-04T12:18:00.000-06:00

Not the most stellar weight loss on the planet, but I'll take it! 1.1 pounds in the first weeks of SB is supposed to be pretty good.

I don't know what is up with the Daddy Mann. He GAINED 7 pounds this week. How is that possible? The only thing that I can think of is that he's eating after I go to bed. I know that it's up to him, but it just kills me that I work hard coming up with interesting meals and making sure that his food is on track for the whole entire day and then he's blowing it after I go to sleep. I know he's eating after I go to bed, because he doesn't clean up after himself. I think he's trying to make healthy choices, but he won't let me help educate him on what the correct choices would be.

He liked Atkins better because he knew that if he got hungry he could eat meat. I've been trying to tell him that veggies are a better choice, but for some reason he's just not doing it. I worry about him. I don't want him to die, but I'm really scared that if he doesn't do something about his weight that he'll die young.

I don't like to think about that possibility very much.

I think that I'm going to add a 2nd grain this week so that I can have a sandwich (1/2 WW pita bread) for lunch or a snack in addition to my cereal. I'm going to stick with 1/2 a grapefruit or an apple for my fruit serving for the day.

I had TOM this past week and shot up 3 pounds on Thursday from that (back to 245.5) and was really surprised and pleased to see a new lower number this morning.

I went to a kid's birthday party on Saturday and didn't eat any of the hot dogs, cake or ice cream! I wanted that cake badly, but just reminded myself what the scale said on Thursday and was able to not do it. My son hugged me and told me he was proud of me for not eating any, and that felt better than any cake could have tasted!

Why can't men...

2007-01-30T09:17:00.001-06:00

Pee IN the toilet? I've heard of some talented individuals who can write their name in the snow while peeing, so why can't the males in my house get the pee IN the toilet? I'm tired of cleaning off the toilet seat and the floor everytime I want to go to the bathroom. Worse yet is not realizing that someone has peed on the seat and the floor, and the indignity of stepping in pee, followed by the worse indignity of SITTING in the pee on the toilet seat!

If anyone knows of a solution... I'm listening!

Weight 243 - Pounds left to lose 93

2007-01-29T08:49:00.000-06:00

So only down 2/10ths of a pound, but since most people seem to stay the same or gain during their first week or two of Phase 2, I'll be darned glad that I lost what I did! I was hoping to be in the 230's by now, but I think part of it is that darned sf/nf pudding that I eat every single night! I know that I had problems if I ate too many desserts that incorporated the pudding when I was on Atkins, so I'm going to try just doing SF Jello for a few days and see if that helps.

I Am The Sun!

2007-01-28T15:48:00.000-06:00

I saw this on someone's blog (Fat Queen), and so of course since I'm in a time-killing mood, I had to go do it too!

Which Tarot Card Are You?

You are the Sun card. The light of the Sun reveals all. The Sun is joyful and bright, without fear or reservation. The childish nature of the Sun allows you to play and feel free. Exploration can truly take place in the light of day when nothing is hidden. The Sun's rays fill you with energy so that you may live life to its fullest, milking pleasure out of each day. Such joy and energy can bring wealth and physical pleasure. To shine in the light of day is to have confidence, to soak up its rays is to feel the freedom of a child. Image from: Stevee Postman.

Take this quiz!

Another Friday

2007-01-26T18:41:00.000-06:00

All across America, people are in a happy mood because it's Friday night. I don't like Friday nights much anymore. The Daddy man ends up getting home late because everyone who wants to buy a car puts it off until just before closing on Friday or Saturday night and it cuts in to what little "weekend" we have. I can't really complain because without customers, there aren't any commissions. Without commissions, he'll get let go for being a non-performer. Without the job, no paychecks. So there's my petty gripe for the night :)

I got a new battery for my scale today, and it worked perfectly! I guess I just got a defective battery when I bought the last one. Tomorrow morning I'll be able to weigh in and see if my grain addition has hurt my weight loss. Doesn't really matter, because I'm adding my 1 daily fruit next week anyway. I need to know before I up it to 2 grains or 2 fruits a day though, so I'm glad that it's working again! Plus it goes up high enough to weigh the Daddy man, and that is a huge plus since he would be way too embarassed to weigh somewhere "public" like the doctor's office.

I made tons of new recipes this week, and I truly feel like this is something that I can do for a lifetime. I know that only time will tell, but I found a totally legal coffee cake recipe and a totally legal brownie recipe. Legal as in it counts as actual FOOD (veggies and protein), not legal as in it uses up all my treat calories to eat a teeny-tiny piece. This will be a huge help when PMS rears it's oh so ugly head!

Poor little man is having a bad day. He had to have a 2nd flu shot this morning (can we say tantrum of epic proportions?), and then at lunch time he slipped and fell in MUD. It was caked all the way down the side of his pants, his shirt, his socks, and his shoes. It was so bad it even soaked into his underpants. Of course, today is the day that I chose to go to town and I had just gotten there when the school called. I still had to go to the library and the grocery store, so the poor little guy had to sit in the office in his muddy clothes for almost 2 hours before I got there to pick him up!

I was down to 7 cigarettes a day this week, and did pretty good for the most part. It occurred to me sometime on Monday that I "can" smoke just half a cigarette at a time and make those cigarettes really last. Next week I'll be down to 6, and the crunch will really be on in the weeks that follow.

Weight 243.2 - Pounds left to lose 93.2

2007-01-22T06:45:00.000-06:00

Weigh in day. Another 2.1 pounds gone. There's a good chance that this was actual fat loss!

It's official. My scale is dead. Hopefully I'll have a good eBay week and be able to afford a new scale by next Monday :) I'll keep my fingers crossed! At the very least I'll get a new battery and try to coddle mine along for a couple more weeks.

Gearing up for Phase 2

2007-01-21T21:47:00.000-06:00

I'm starting Phase 2 tomorrow of SB. So... starting tomorrow I'm going to eat 1 serving of ceral for breakfast every morning. Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

Why is this so scary? I know why... 6 years of Atkins on and off. Losing when I do Atkins, cravings/deprivation kick in, go off Atkins regain all or most of my weight, back on Atkins when I feel like a major slug. I'm just not used to the concept of being able to lose weight while incorporating fruit and grains into my diet. It's like any other new thing, I just have to try it and see.

I won't give up. If this particular food causes me to gain or not lose (I'm adding only 1 specific thing per week until I have an "arsenal" of foods that I know I can eat), then I just add it to the "foods to avoid" list.

My scale has been saying that it has a low battery for a few days now, so I haven't been able to weigh. Daddy man tinkered with it this afternoon and we think it's working again. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it really is working so that I can weigh myself in the morning for tomorrow's weigh in!

The cold without end...

2007-01-19T11:06:00.000-06:00

And not just my cold. We're due to get another bout of winter weather here over the weekend, and I'm already so tired of cold and ice that I could just scream!

Still doing well with SB. I don't even feel like I'm "dieting". Which is good. I'm much more likely to be able to sustain this long term if I don't feel like I'm being punished or deprived. I'm looking forward to my weigh-in on Monday. I'm hoping to be down another pound or two.

When my "fat jeans" (which had been tight when we started) were loose yesterday, I decided to try on my "tight jeans". They fit! They are actually a hair loose in the waist which confirms my suspicions that my tummy is smaller. Look out size 18's! I'll be coming for you soon!

I wish the smoking was going as well. I was supposed to cut down to 8 a day this week, and I thought that it would be a piece of cake with the chest cold, but so far I've been "sneaking" an extra cigarette almost everyday! How come I could smoke just 8 when I was allowed 9, but now that I only have 8, I want 9 everyday??? I think that another week at 8 is definitely called for. I'm too embarassed to tell the Daddy man that I didn't make my cigarette goal this week, but I know that I'll feel better if I talk it out with someone.

Thursday already!

2007-01-18T09:35:00.000-06:00

I feel like such a slacker... in fact that is one of my nicknames for myself... Slacker Mom ;)

Little man was sick over the weekend, and when we went to the store on Sunday, the Daddy man insisted on buying cold medicine for the little guy and for me as well. So... was he just planning well or did he jinx me? I got sick on Monday and I'm finally feeling better!

I saw a list of "things I won't miss" on the SB Forums, and it's prompted me to start my own list:

I won't miss:

My little man crying because I won't buy him donuts after school and realizing that he's getting horrible eating habits from me.

Not having room in my lap for the little man, because my stomach is already sitting there!

Not being able to get up and down off the floor.

Worrying about whether I can fit in a chair with arms, and then if I fit having my hips lift the chair up off the ground when I stand up.

I noticed today that my stomach is smaller. Yeah, yeah, I know... I've only lost about 10 pounds, but it's coming off my stomach already. If you've ever been really fat and lost some fat off your stomach, you might remember that moment when you could see the sides of your stomach looking smaller, just barely hinting at the fact that there might be actual muscles under the fat!

My jeans that were too tight to wear for more than a couple of hours when I started SB are now too big! It's almost time to get out my only pair of jeans that I like. I have a couple pairs that are a bit smaller than those that I bought when I actually thought I'd get down to an 18, and I'm starting to believe that I will fit into those sometime in the near future!

Weight 245.3 - Pounds left to lose 95.3

2007-01-15T07:41:00.000-06:00

I'm at 245.3! I lost 9.4 pounds the first week. I know that my weight won't continue to drop at any where near this rate, but what a great motivator!

The Daddy man actually cooked lunch and dinner yesterday AND he went grocery shopping with me. That always means that we spend way too much money, but it also means that I have help reading labels and help with the kid.

We found some great lean turkey patties. I had tried plain ones before and they were pretty yucky. He found some seasoned ones and he fixed those for lunch with some veggies and they were so good that I would willingly choose those in place of a hamburger!

Our local Walmart used to post all the grocery ads from the other stores, so if you forgot your ad it wasn't a big deal to get them to match the price. Now if you forget your ad, you're just screwed! They wanted 8.97 for 3 pounds of chicken breasts, and I knew that the same brand was 4.99 at another store. They wouldn't match the price, and I ended up having to stop at the other store, but for just $2 more than the price of 2 bags, I got 4 bags! Since we pretty much live on chicken, it was a great price.

We are having an ice storm right now. I'm so glad that it's a holiday for the little man. I would hate to drive him to school in this. I'm really worried about the Daddy man driving back and forth in this though. I'll be praying for him to make it home safe tonight.

Rolling right along

2007-01-13T08:34:00.000-06:00

5 days down! Only about a million to go ;)

I finally got to talk to the principal. She had talked to Mrs. H first thing in the morning, but I still had to call her back. She didn't call me. She agreed that it had been mishandled and asked if I wanted a conference with the three of us. I told her no, but that I did feel that Mrs. H should apologize to the children for mishandling the situation. I think it's really important that kids see that grown ups make mistakes and own up to them.

I went and got little man early since we were supposed to have freezing rain (picked him up when school was out instead of leaving him for the extra hour of play time). I ran into Mrs. H in the hall and she told me that I should have written a note to turn in with the crayons and that I don't write the names in the same place that she does, so she never saw the little girl's name on one of the boxes of crayons! Apparently she doesn't "have time" to listen to what the kids say, but that she will always make time to read a note from a parent. WTF!?! She's a freakin teacher... isn't it part of her JOB to listen to the kids???

So somehow after she yelled at my son (and scared him so bad that he was afraid to tell me, because if he gets in trouble at school, he's in trouble at home), and didn't LISTEN to him, it was ALL MY FAULT!!! And she didn't apologize to the kids. I'm thinking that a visit to the principal is in order. Hopefully I can keep my cool and not get so mad that I start to cry and make an ass of myself.

Little man got in trouble for "fighting" at school yesterday. He was playing army with his friends and one of them accidently elbowed him in the mouth. Because he has loose teeth, his gums started to bleed. He didn't hit back, because he realized that his friend didn't mean to hit him, and they BOTH got in trouble for fighting (a time out and their names on the board). What is up with these teachers and aides that they can't even get the kids to talk to them and explain that it was an accident. These are the two most non-confrontational kids in the kindergarten and even Mrs. H was surprised that if there was a fight it was these 2, but they still got in trouble.

My food and smoking are going well. We went out to dinner at the buffet last night. They cater to the low carb crowd, so there are always at least 2 veggies that qualify (there were 5 last night) and they have lots of different meats that don't have breading. Last night was also seafood night and it was so hard not to get a plate of fried clams and shrimp. Instead I had steak and mushrooms and green beans and broccoli and a small salad. I'll have to remember next time that they don't really have a salad dressing that is SB friendly and bring my own dressing with me. I only had about 1/2 TBSP of regular ranch dressing though and figured that it could be my fat allowance for dinner.

The Daddy man isn't noticing much difference so far, but when you have a lot of weight to lose sometimes you have to lose quite a bit to see a difference. I saw one for him this morning though. He's moved his belt 2 NOTCHES already! He hadn't even noticed that when he was getting dressed.

Yet another day...

2007-01-12T08:31:00.000-06:00

I had so many things that irritated me yesterday! I didn't let it influence me to make poor food choices, but it put a dent in my smoking. I smoked 10 cigarettes yesterday! 9 the day before, and I had been down to 8. For any of you non-smokers, going from a pack a day down to 8 a day is really good... Now I just need to KEEP it at 8 so that I feel comfortable going down to 7.

My son's kindergarten teacher is a MAJOR PITA! I got phone calls from 3 people on the first day of school that she was mean and had already been mean to one little girl. I didn't even realize that I *know* 3 people here who would know my phone number to call and warn me about that.

She's nitpicky. Amazingly nitpicky. In that if a child makes an "o" and it's a little lopsided they get marked down for it. These are 5 year-olds, they are still babies in a lot of ways, and some of them had never held a pencil before the first day of kindergarten!

Yesterday I went to get Austin and saw my friend's little girl. She looked like she wanted to tell me something, but the aide was herding them outside for pick up. I went in and got Austin, and started on our way home. I got a phone call before I could make it out of the parking lot. Mrs. H yelled at one of the kids... it was unclear whether it was my son or my friend's little girl. My son wasn't talking (he lost a tooth and was trying not to let me see so that he could "surprise" me), and the little girl was upset. Finally got the story from both kids.

My friend got a note from Mrs. H that she was supposed to take in some more crayons for her daughter, but both the Walmarts were out of the right sized box. I told her that I had some that weren't the right sized box, but that at least they were crayons (and more crayons is better, right?) She asked me if I got the note, and no... no note, but I'm not the most organized person on the planet so I probably lost it. I write names on 2 boxes of crayons (on each individual crayon not just the boxes), and send them to school with my son. I told him to put them on Mrs. H's desk so that she could pass them out when she thinks they need them since I'm not sure if they are completely out of crayons or just running low.

Mrs. H asked who put the crayons on her desk, and my son admits that he did. She started YELLING at him. Telling him that he didn't get a note, that he didn't need to bring in more crayons, and that they were the wrong sized box. He told her that one box was for his friend, and she yelled at him that he wasn't "allowed" to bring crayons for someone else, that her mom has to send in her crayons, and that the little girl can't have the crayons because HER mom didn't buy them!

I've spent 5 1/2 years teaching the child to share, teaching him to help out other people, teaching to be kind and polite and NICE... because to me all this matters! And this bee-yotch yells at him for being a sharing and kind person. Lesson for the day. Don't be nice, because it bites you in the ass!

I'm still mad. To make matters worse, when I called the principal she was in a meeting and she NEVER called me back. All of this accounted for 5 cigarettes on it's own!

One more fingernail fell off yesterday. No, Mae. I won't pull or otherwise pry them off. I'm waiting for the natural causes of laundry and dishes to get under them and loosen them til they fall off :)

Day 4 Already!

2007-01-11T07:44:00.000-06:00

Yesterday went pretty well food-wise, and was a little less than stellar in regards to my smoking. Oh well. Today is another day :)

I'm up to my neck in sewing projects right now, and I can't figure out if or when I'll ever finish! I had made 2 of the 4 dresses that I had fabric for, and then the first one sold for an outrageous amount of money (to me at least) on eBay, so I decided to duplicate it. Why tamper with success, right? So off I went to find more of the same fabric yesterday, and miracle of miracles, they actually had it in stock and had the whole amount that I needed. I have a second chance offer into the second highest bidder, and I'm hoping that she'll take it. If not, I'll offer it to her at one of her lower bids, if she still doesn't take it, I'll just put it up for auction again.

The one that I'll finish this morning was a PITA! This is the 5th time that I've made it and everytime it is just as hard! I hate that! Practice is supposed to make things easier! Oh well, at least the duplicate dress will be easy. I've made that pattern about 20 times now, and everytime goes a little bit easier and faster. If I could just figure out how to get these darned acrylics off my fingertips I'd have it made! I got sucked into that whole "be a girly" thing for Christmas, and it never occurred to me that I'd have a hard time sewing with the stupid things. Luckily one of my thumbnails popped off, but I want the rest of them off now!

Sailing Right Along...

2007-01-10T06:52:00.000-06:00

Another good day on plan and came in at 8 cigarettes out of my allowed 9 again. I also worked out for 15 minutes again last night. Today I'm giving up my "first thing in the morning" cigarette. I'm writing here instead so that I don't just throw away my good intentions and go flying out the door. This is a TOUGH cigarette to give up!

This is funny. I've never been motivated to eat perfectly two days in a row before, especially while cutting back on cigarettes, and most especially I don't think I've ever worked out 2 days in a row before. I don't know how long this will last, but I'm latching on to it while it does!

The Daddy man is a retired cop. One of the things that makes us the most upset is when someone without the guts to kill themselves will put themselves in the position of having a cop kill them. It's called Suicide by Cop. And of course the person who gets themselves killed that way is too cowardly to kill themselves AND they are so selfish that they don't care about the guilt that they are putting on the cop.

I read on Diary of a fat, angry woman about how bulemics, and anorexics are trying to kill themselves, and how she thinks that binge eaters are doing the same thing. S-L-O-O-O-W suicide. So... if I don't do anything about my weight and I don't exercise, and I don't quit smoking... I'm just trying to speed it up some.

I'm still so mad at my mom for dying at the age of 58. 58!!! My grandmother is in her 90's! Every other person in my family has lived to be in their 80's or 90's. She died without ever getting to meet her grandson, because I got pregnant just after she died. She'd been heavy as far back as I could remember and would yo-yo diet on all these weird plans that she heard about. I think about how swollen her poor feet would be by the middle of the day, her mood swings, and I wonder if she had Type II. It frequently leads to heart disease and heart attacks... so I just wonder.

So no more suicide attempts here. I swore off those when I got pregnant with Austin. I'd hate for my son to wonder why his Mama didn't love him enough to stay alive.

Day 2 Cont'd!

2007-01-09T09:07:00.000-06:00

I know, I know... this could have waited, but it was a huge accomplishment for me! I actually exercised for 15 minutes last night. I used to do Walk Away The Pounds (WATP) pretty regularly, but it was boring to watch. Now I just do the routine while watching a regular TV show. I quit after 15 minutes, but I did walk in place, do the side to side thing, did the front kicks, and even did the back kicks (which seriously hurt my butt!) for 15 minutes. The best part is that the little guy did it with me. Okay, he would jog away and jog back every few minutes, throw himself in a chair and yell "I'm pooped!" and various other nonsense, but he did at least 10 minutes of it.

The Daddy man of course "isn't ready" yet. He did say that he'll start when he's lost a little weight and can move more easily. I'm trying to gently nudge him into doing at least what he can do. It doesn't have to be perfect, and it doesn't have to be for long, but something is better than nothing!

On to Day 2!!!

2007-01-09T08:35:00.000-06:00

So... day 1 was successful! I could see a huge difference just in the amount of water that I was retaining by the time I went to bed last night. It must have been huge, because I hopped on the scale this morning and I lost 4.9 pounds on the first day. Trust me! I know it was all water, since it's impossible to lose any fat that quickly, but the boost to my morale was phenomenal.

I did Fitday to track my food intake yesterday and I was just about 800 calories. I'll need to work on eating more calories today while still staying within my allowed foods. 2 cups of veggies at each meal does NOT leave a lot of room in my tummy for more calorie dense choices though. I know that I'm kind of on that "new food plan high" and I won't stay at these calorie levels for long. Pretty soon I'll be fighting to keep my calories low enough.

Only smoked 8 of my 9 allowed cigarettes yesterday and I didn't really want that last one. I smoked it though since it's part of my whole "soon I won't be able to, so I should get it while I can!" Tomorrow I'm going to skip my first cigarette and try to get down to 7 for the day. Hopefully I can be down to 5 or 6 by the weekend.

Tons of errands today, web work, a dress I need to finish and 2 more loads of laundry. UGH! I don't really mind doing the laundry, but I wish there was just one day that I didn't have to do any. I only had 1 load when I went to bed, but the little man wet his bed last night so there's the 2nd load. I'll be glad when he quits wetting the bed!

Weight 254.7 - Pounds left to lose 104.7

2007-01-08T07:42:00.000-06:00

So this is my South Beach starting weight. I just love a fresh start.

I did great yesterday. I had allowed myself 9 cigarettes and only smoked 8!

Today is our first day of SB. I did some prep last night to make sure that today goes smoothly, and I did my first WI. It was a hair (and I do mean hair!) under what I expected, so no bad news here!

DH isn't going to weigh until he sees his clothes getting looser. He's worried that if he weighs himself now that he'll get so depressed about how far he has to go that he'll give up before he starts.

It's taken me 2 years of reading and re-reading and finding other information to get a hang on how SB works. Hopefully I really do understand it now. It seems to take the best parts of Atkins (eat until you're satisfied on the allowed foods) with the best parts of more traditional plans (low fat), plus emphasizes healthy carbs which is a must for me if I want to keep from falling over the edge from borderline diabetic into fullblown Type II.

Well! I have a ton to do today, so I'd best get going on it!

Not Smokeless Yet!

2007-01-07T10:49:00.000-06:00

Okay... so I'm not smokefree yet. I made it to about 7:30 last night and I just couldn't go any longer. I had been nauseated all day, and then after I ate dinner I started getting the shakes. My DH has never smoked in his life and has no patience for the whole withdrawal thing was telling me that it was all in my head. But then he saw me start shaking and said that I should buy some cigarettes and taper off some more before I quit all the way. I felt like such a failure. I bought 3 packs of cigarettes (he wanted me to buy a carton), and I had 3 cigarettes last night.

I've had 2 so far today (I'm allowed up to 9), and I'm doing okay. I'm not letting myself smoke more often than every 2 hours, and hopefully will smoke a lot less than 9 cigarettes.

Today is our last day of off-plan eating. We start Phase I of South Beach tomorrow. I'm really excited about it! The only truly "bad" thing that we're planning to eat today is French toast and bacon for breakfast. My DH makes the world's best French toast and I can't wait to have it since he doesn't make it very often.

A Smokeless Me

2007-01-06T08:47:00.000-06:00

I hope that I survive today and that my family survives as well. I smoked my last cigarette around 10pm last night before I went to bed. I've already been without a cigarette for a whopping 11 hours! I've only been awake for 2 hours and I have already had the urge to smoke more times that I can count.

It would help if cigarettes hadn't been my "reward" for so long. Get Austin's breakfast? Good girl! Have a cigarette! Finish a particularly difficult web page? Oh you absolutely deserve a cigarette! And as a panacea? Oh are you stuck on this bit of graphics? Well you just go have a smoke while you work it out in your head!

I know all the "facts". Cigarettes are poison. They will eventually kill me. I have successfully quit in the past, but that was with a finite goal in mind (during my pregnancy, with the birth of my son being the time that I "could" start up again if I chose). Daddy never saw it that way and when I would whine that I wanted a cigarette, he'd say something like And you're never going to have another cigarette ever again! I could feel the jail cell door slamming shut.

I don't like the smell. I only smoke outside because I don't want my house to stink. I don't like the taste. Who would want to taste that on a continual basis? Most times I don't even smoke the whole cigarette. This past week while I was "counting down" and had just a couple of packs left, I forced myself to smoke the whole cigarette every time I went out there, and I really thought about whether I was enjoying the experience. No... I really don't.

Supposedly if I can make it through 7 days (or something like that), all of the nicotine will be out of my body and I won't have physical cravings anymore. I know that then there will just be this aching wantiness sometimes. As long as Daddy can keep his mouth shut and not say anything that inspires doom and gloom in me, maybe I can really do it this time.

On a brighter note...

2006-12-29T16:41:00.000-06:00

We did finally settle on a food plan for the coming year. And the winner of this year's plan is...

The South Beach Diet!

Why did we go with South Beach? Because we've done Atkins on and off for 7 years(!) now, so we're familiar with low carb, but find that we just can't stick with Atkins for the long haul. We end up going off for a week (or a month) and Daddy gains almost all of his weight back in such a short time. I have a slower regain, but regain I do! South Beach is basically low carb, but with some healthier carbs in Phase 2. I'm hoping that the inclusion of some healthier carbs will keep from going on a total carb blow-out every few months. Now that I've finally figured out SB, I'm looking forward to it!

Rain rain go away

2006-12-29T16:06:00.000-06:00

And please take my bad mood with you!

So... the Daddy and I planned a big ole day for Sunday to reward the little man for learning his ABCs. This was a BIG deal! We had been promising to take him to the zoo, which is no small undertaking, since the closest zoo is over an hour away and it's not even the really good zoo.

Little man has only been to the zoo one time in his whole 5 1/2 years, and he wouldn't go look at the giraffes because they were so big that they scared him. He's been talking ever since about how he really wants Daddy to take him since he wouldn't be afraid if Daddy was with us.

Of course, the teenagers called and want to come this weekend. What is up with them? Can they tell when we have something planned so that they can call and ask to come over? They only seem to come when there are presents in the offing (read birthdays and Christmas), to set us up for presents (Thanksgiving and a couple of weeks before a birthday), or when they want something and they figure its around pay day.

The younger one called of course. He wanted to come tonight and then have Daddy drive back over there tomorrow to pick up his brother. At least Daddy said no to that (an extra tank of gas is definitely not in the budget). I tried so hard not to react when Daddy called and told me, but of course he can read my real thoughts and said that if I was going to cry he would call them back and tell them that they can't come. Of course this is guaranteed to make me feel like Super Bitch (as opposed to my normal more moderately bitchy self), so I said no, that wasn't what I want.

Of course... it is what I want, but I can't admit that.

I was looking forward to several hours at the zoo, followed by a trip to a REAL mall... one that's inside and has real stores, and isn't Walmart. I haven't been to the mall in over a year. I miss the mall. I was hoping that when we were near some real stores that Daddy might offer to buy me something. Of course now, we'll have to pay to take two extra adult priced people to the zoo AND out to eat, so there won't be any money left to buy me anything. Is it so wrong to have wanted a pair of pants or a top that didn't come from Wally World or the Goodwill?

It's bad enough that I'm trying to gear up to quit smoking and go back on a food plan (I refuse to call it a diet). My blood sugars are all over the place, and I either feel like sleeping or throwing up half the time, and the other half I'm eating something that will make me feel like sleeping or throwing up.

I can't figure out if I'm a major bitch for not wanting them to come, or a major wuss for insisting that they come when I don't want them here!

Never say never

2006-12-28T21:30:00.000-06:00

Trite but true. Never say never, because you never know when that "never" will come back to bite you in the ass!

I now blog. I am a blogger. I have a blog. WTF?!? Who has time for this? Who could possibly want to read the ramblings of my mind and fingers?

Okay... I'm a 43 year-old stay at home mom... probably not a "girl" in any sense of the word other than in the Lucy to Ethel "hey girl" version. I still FEEL like a girl though, so maybe on some level I still qualify.

I've been the fat girl since 8th grade. That is almost 30 years now, and I've never been at a point since then when I wasn't the fat girl. I still remember the first time that I felt fat. I still wore a size 7 (you know the "real" size 7 from the 70's not the inflated size 7 that is now), and my grandmother said that if I just lost 5 pounds I'd be a real stunner. I was 12. A friend of hers bought me a ton of size 5's and told me to just try and I'd be in them by the time that school started. I never did fit into those size 5's and my mom discretely swept them off to the Goodwill while I was away at summer camp. Yay mom!

The next time that I felt fat was walking down the hallway in 8th grade. I was 14. By then I was wearing a size 12. Junior sizing no longer worked for my hip to waist ratio and I was having to buy Misses sizes. I probably was still not fat just very curvy, but in the early 70's curves were out, and everyone wanted to be built like a stick. For a girl with an ample bust and an hourglass figure, this was NOT even remotely going to be possible short of anorexia. So here's clueless me, walking down the hallway with a few of the "cool guys" following along behind me... one of them spouts "That girl's ass is bigger than her head!!!" I didn't need to turn around to know that they were talking about me. After all, I was the only girl in the whole school (or felt like it) who fit that description... It wasn't until a long time later that I realized most people's butts are bigger than their heads.

So... this is my journey... weightloss, self-discovery, soon to be ex-smoker, and self-employed but wishing for a REAL job...